You Matter

It has been a while since I last wrote but I thought since I was staying home sick today from school (yep, the day before spring break) that I would write. The last day of the third quarter is today, and I am missing it. My adorable boyfriend, Adam, is in Florida on his spring trip for guitar and I miss him like crazy.

I want to be truthful right now and say that I was scared and still am of his going to Florida. One reason was because of this girl who is after him, and won't stop at nothing to get him even though she knows that he and I are dating. It is not that I don't trust Adam, because I do, it is just that girls like that will put up a fight and will find ways around obstacles (like me). I hated to see him go on Wednesday, knowing he'd be gone for 4 days, but I knew I could make it through those days. I have been away from him for way longer, but it was the fact that I don't trust that girl one bit. 

I know he loves me, and I love him.

Now the reason I'm worried is not because of this girl, it is because he seems mad at me. We did promise to text each other while he was on the trip, and unfortunately he hasn't been doing that. Now, I actually can live with him not texting me. That doesn't bother me, truthfully. The thing that does bother me, though, is the fact that he seems quite upset with me, or mad, and I am not sure why. I have done nothing wrong, so it really confuses me. So when he did send me a text that said, "ha." and "have a good spring break", it really worried me because it seemed to me that he was being sarcastic.

 Who knows? I might be over reacting. I do that sometimes.

The thing is my anxiety levels go up when something like this happens because I love this guy way more than he knows, and there are so many things he has changed in me that he doesn't see. When my anxiety goes up, my stomach hurts. When my stomach hurts, I can't eat. When I don't eat, I feel more sick. That is the circle of my life. So, I really put myself into a bad situation every time we have a fight or we're upset at each other.

 I couldn't feel more comfortable around anyone than I do with him. 

Every time I see his face there is an automatic smile on mine. I would try anything to show him how it is that I love him. I love bringing him little surprises, especially when he least expects them. When he gets back from his trip, he is going to be blown out of his mind. I don't believe he will be able to handle everything that is going on. At least, I sort of hope that is the case.

So, as I sit here writing this I am wondering what it is he is thinking.

 Is he upset at me? Why would that be? What could I have done? Am I overreacting? Is he? Is he just enjoying himself, and being distracted? I love him. Wonder what he is doing? How is he? I hope he is having a ton of fun! I can't wait till he gets back, though! Will he like my surprises? Will he read this? If he is mad, is it something that can be fixed? 

Who knows the answer to those questions? He does.

I can live with him not texting me, but I cannot live without him in my life. I am not sure if he sees how important he is to me and how he affects my life, because that really is a huge deal. You know, I am proud of myself. Why, you ask? Well because I have changed. I know what I did at the end of January was wrong,  liking someone else, and ever since Adam had broken up with me it flipped my world upside down. I really did deserve that, and I definitely needed it. I no longer like anyone but him. I have no feelings towards any other guy, other than friendship, and I couldn't be happier. I never thought I could do that, but he proved to me that it can be done...along with some pain, suffering, time, and work. It's possible, and he helped me prove it to myself.

***

Side note:
Adam Hoff if you ever ask yourself why you are meant to be here in this world, look around. You change the lives of everyone around you, even if you don't initially see it. I know that it is hard being a teenager and growing up isn't always a ton of fun. I know we want to grow up, be adults, and have the right to do what we want without anyone holding us back. While we want that, what we don't know is that we don't want to rush life. We are happy where we are, truthfully. You like being you. You are adorable, thoughtful, sweet, caring, sincere, crazy (in a very hilarious, good way), loving, friendly, you could kill anyone with your smile, you are really smart (seriously, I am not making that up! Don't let anyone tell you different, or put you down!), you are a(n)  _______ (fill in the blank with all of the words that could describe how you are such a great swimmer) swimmer, you have a great life ahead of you, and you will change the world. I love you for you, and nothing and no one else!

***

I know it is hard to trust anyone but yourself, especially if many people have betrayed the trust you set for them. Working that trust up again is a lot of work, and you will ask yourself why it is they deserve your effort. Now, I can't say for a fact that it is always worth it, but sometimes it may be. Search for those answers to your questions, I am sure they are there somewhere close by, even if they do involve a bunch of digging around. Don't let anyone but yourself influence your decisions, because only you know what is right for you. 

Take your time, but don't take forever, because the world can't dish out that much for anyone, even if you are super special and important!

Spring Blossoms New Stress

I want to hear your thoughts about what you'd like to read about, and I'd love to share my views of the world with you. From school to home. From best days to the worst of the worst. From relationships to personal problems. From a comment to a slur. Bring it on! I'm ready for everything you have to offer. Give me a topic. 

I'd rather write than do my homework...right?

Now that it is spring...or well as warm as spring is...I may actually get some fresh air while writing. I love the smell of the fresh dew in the morning, to hear the birds chirping as the sun rises, to walk around barefoot and not have to worry about freezing my toes off. It's beautiful this time of year, and it reminds me how much I love life. I would love to spend time with my love outside enjoying this nice weather while it lasts (cause who really knows what mother nature intends), but he's been on restriction and has swim and has been super busy. That is what keeps me inside, the fact that I have no one I want to spend this delightful blessing of a spring, or end of winter, with. My best friend has been super busy with work, her boyfriend, and school, so we haven't really had time to hang out. Leaving me with Caroline, a family friend who lives in my house now and is a freshmen, which is a different story completely.

Stress has hit me. Hasn't it gotten to you, yet? 

School, Family, Boyfriend, Projects, Work, Friends, Money, Life...(just to name a few)! My anxiety levels are up, school has been frustrating. I work every other Saturday, making 6.50/hr and only work 2-3 hours. I have a huge project, diorama, for my Early Childhood class that is super intense in detail and I feel like no matter how much I try it will never come out to the teacher's liking. Friends, well they are friends, they come and go as they wish and have their own agendas, you just have to work around them. Family, oh my family; my home life has been crazy with Caroline and her father moving in, me sharing a bedroom/bathroom with her, and just all the other usual stuff that goes on behind closed doors. My Boyfriend. Well.........Haha! Just Kidding! I love the kid! He's always there for me (most the time that is) when I need him, and even when I don't (which by the way is NEVER). Even though we have our disagreements and problems, from time to time, we are working on ways to make our relationship stronger and healthier. He's worth it, believe me!

Life is life, what can I say! 

Try to Understand

Here is a poem I just wrote..read it and tell me what you think. It was a spur of the moment inspirational composition. Nothing fancy.

Hear Me Out

By: Forever Lexi

You never try to listen, when all I want is to be heard.

You never even give me the chance to say a single word.

When my days go wrong and all I want is to be left alone.

Then you'll knock at my door to say "get off the phone".

He is the only one who truly listens to how I feel.

The one person who can point out the perfect teal.

His mind stays open as does his heart. 

Every word, every thought, every minuscule part.

I know our days are different, and life is hard,

But there are feelings I don't let pass through my guard.

You may sleep all day and work all night,

But you don't see it through the same light.

When you are gone at work I worry,

But when you are home it's always fury.

If I try to explain to you a thought,

My words automatically get fought.

Just stop for a minute and see,

That I am only me.

Not everyone is the same as you,

Anxiety or depression or a medical issue.

Dream Come True

It is like it was out of a fairy-tale...

For nights after he broke up with me I would have dreams, dreams that he would forgive me. He would hold me close to him and everything would be better again. Just like that one song, the only place I could see his adorable, precious face and see him smile was in my dreams.

Those dreams...they came true!

He is the one person in my life that I have felt so comfortable with...one thing that my anxiety makes it difficult for me to do. He is my best friend in life. He is that someone I can tell everything to, without hesitation. His eyes make me calm. His face reminds me of why I live each day the way I do. My hand in his tells me I'm not alone. I don't have to act, I can just be myself with him. His craziness shows me that I can be silly and weird and stupid...and no matter what he'll still see me the same way as he always has.

"Love is hard work; and hard work sometimes hurts."

-Unknown Author

Every school day morning, no matter how bad I feel or how much I don't want to go to school, I get up and go because of him. He is my inspiration. He sees past all of  my flaws. He believes I look beautiful at my worst. He thinks I am perfect even when I broke his heart. He is there for me when I need someone to just listen. He is more than I could ever ask for. 

He deserves better than me, but I'll accept that he has settled for less. <3

Every night before I go to sleep I hope to hear his voice. He puts this sense of peace and serenity into my life that I've never felt before. He makes me smile like I've never smiled before. We are alike in ways we cannot explain. We have our inside jokes and our own vocabulary.

"Our love is here to stay."
-Ira Gershwin

It feels like we never broke up, even though I know we did, and believe me I am glad you took the initiative to. I am happier than I was before, thanks to you. We are better than we are before, stronger and healthier, happier and smarter. 

You are mine and I am yours.

"It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone, when your heart still does."

-Mallory Jones

To Flirt or NOT to Flirt

Hey My Followers!

I apologize for being M.I.A. but now I am back! Lots of work going on my senior year of high school!

Let me catch you up on some stuff in my life...

Well I am back from a three day weekend turned horrible with food poisoning from a burrito at El Sloppy Taco (not their fault, it was mine for not refrigerating it afterwards). Working on a file folder, coloring and then some more of that stuff we did in kindergarten and first grade and second...something we weren't meant to be doing in high school. Oh, and then I cut, and cut some more until there were marks on my fingers and my hands ached from cutting. Then I glued which made my hands sticky and gross. Forgot to study for a history test that I could swear for some reason I thought we had taken already. Worked at my aunt's store, Pixie Kidz, and then babysat; children love me for some odd reason, and cannot stop fighting over where I will sleep. Ate a delicious heart shaped pancake. Yummm! Tried out my lesson plan that went disastrous; they were too interested in opening the Easter eggs rather than shaking them to hear what sound they made.  Went around school taping Dr. Seuss birthday cards to a large amount of the school's lockers after I had hot glued at least a couple hundred Dr. Seuss hat stickers to each paper. Got some information on graduation. Am having chest pains for some weird reason and a bunch of other random things that I cannot seem to remember about my long time away from my blog.

Last but not least, I have a boyfriend!..but he requires his own paragraph (or, maybe, more).

So as you might have known from my first post, my boyfriend had broken up with me at the end of January. Why, you might ask? Reason is I was stupid. Easy to say, right? I loved him. He meant the world to me. But what I did might seem like those things were lies. I'm a flirt, simply saying. I am in love with the fact that others like me. I will say that at times I went a little too far with it, the flirting. I knew what I did was wrong and I have been trying to overtake my bad habits with good ones. I was doing great. I had decreased my flirting, but I had made a few mistakes on taking it too far and in January I hit the last straw. I met a guy who was deaf and automatically started liking him, thanks to the ABC Family hit show Switched at Birth. Texting turned to flirting which turned to a video chat. Wow, did I make a mistake, and not only hurt one person but probably two. 

Side note: I apologize for leading you on Troy! and for my love...I'll keep my apologies person-to-person.

Now, I went through about a week and a half of hell. Yep, it sucked. Can't phrase it any other way. Ironically, I got a note on my locker just the other day saying something like the pain was worth suffering through. It was right. It was worth suffering. I spent days eating little to nothing, slept for hours on end, cried myself to sleep, tried to smile and pretend I was happy, took alternate paths just hoping to see him in the halls (cause I knew he was avoiding the normal routine), spent classes searching for songs to show him just how I felt, felt sicker than normal, planned an amazing Valentine's day for him, wrote a four page essay explaining everything and nothing, and tried every little thing to say just how much he meant to me. My best friend told me..."it'll be alright, don't worry" and of course I said "no it won't!" as I sobbed and moaned. Of course the one time she is right...(LOL, I love you JESSICA)! I am so glad she was right, and also glad that she was right there next to me when I needed her most. Thanks my hopping bunny side kick!

 "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be."

In the end, I got the love of my life back. Pretty much sounds like a romantic movie almost. Yay for happy endings! I made him a heart-shaped pizza with pepperoni cut up into pieces to spell "I love u", brought him a mountain dew (his favorite soda), made him some Hershey kiss shaped Rice Krispie treats (which used to be my favorite cereal, by the way, and I would hold the box next to me so no one could eat them), got him a cupcake, and some other stuff, too. I wouldn't just do that for anyone!

"What we can do for another is the test of powers; what we can suffer is the test of love."
-Brooke Foss Westcott

I am not saying don't make mistakes...just don't make the same mistake twice!

Controversy

So today was very upsetting for me. I've really never been known to be a 'bad' kid or someone who gets into trouble at school, but today I feel like I was called out for something so ridiculous. Maybe that is why I took offense to such a small thing, but...

...on-the-other-hand I have every right to be upset.

I was walking back to class after I had delivered the extension cord back to the janitors and this guidance secretary, I guess that is what she is, stops me in the hall. She asks me to take off my "hat". Of course, I'm not one to talk back to an adult unless it is in a joking manner, (or they might just happen to be my parents), but today I did talk back (to an extent). I looked at her like she was crazy. I've never wanted to complain so much about what I was wearing! It's not like I was wearing something inapropro! It was not a gang sign! It was a simple beret. My brother was in the army and he wore a beret. Why can I not wear one? I just for once wanted to seem like I fit in with all of my peers, but due to the incident today I will now be fitting in with my peers in an unfashionable, non-beret wearing way. I mean I barely ever do anything with my hair, but today I did and I pretty much got criticized for it. That makes me feel bad about myself. Thanks for throwing my self esteem out the window!

Have you ever read your school's rules and regulations? 

I have plenty of times. Today I reread the dress code section and noticed that you are not allowed to wear "hats" or something that hangs around your neck (so does that mean I can't wear a scarf, either?). The dress code policy stated things that were not to be worn in school, or were inappropriate for public. Funny thing is it never said anything about wearing nothing. Hmmm? So does that mean we can just show up naked? Well, other than the fact that you'd be picked up in a cop car for public indecency, yeah, you could. It is the things that are left open to interpretation that cause conflict such as my incident with the beret. This is part of the reason that the government sometimes has problems with the constitution.

I know life isn't always going to be how we want it to be, like my mom said.

 I will get defensive about this subject because now I feel like I was put into a situation where I could not have the right of self-expression and the freedom and liberty that is granted to me as a citizen of the United States of America. Now, I'm not going to take this to court, but it is wrong for me to have gone out and spent money on something that I can no longer wear. I would understand if this was just a one day deal, but I spend 5 of my 7 days in a week going to school. This means only 2 days of my 7 am I allowed to wear this beret that I bought. Of those two days, I never usually go anywhere or dress up nice to wear a beret. So now I have a wasted piece of a hair accessory (notice that I did not say "hat")! Way to waste money! (something my mom complains about is me not wearing clothes I have or wasting money on things I don't use)

Please do not tell me that my beret is a "hat" because it is not.

 It is an fashion accessory for my hair, not my head. If I did not have hair, they would have to let me wear a hat to keep my head warm, but since I have hair it is to accessorize. Yes, it may sit/rest/lay on my head but it does not cover my face, eyes, or my entire head. It is a see through accessory for my hair. Technically it cannot be called a head covering due to the fact that really my head isn't covered. OH, and by the way, lunch ladies wear "hats" in school too!!!!

Waiting for Change

With every good thing comes a bad thing. 

You have to admit that life surely isn't what we asked for, but really the choice is yours to spend it wisely. Go ahead and waste your days away, or, instead, you can make life what you want it to be. If you sit around waiting for change, will it ever happen? It's possible, but the statistics are not very high for that.

Life will continue to surprise you!

I know from experience that waiting won't get you anywhere fast. You could spend years waiting, and nothing would ever come to you. Wait for love? Sure it might come, eventually, but really that is a choice you have to make yourself. I have anxiety, as you know. It all started in 5th grade, and now I'm a senior in high school. You could say I waited six to seven years to go on medication if you did not really know me. Truthfully, I spent those six to seven years throwing myself blindly into situations I knew would cause me pain that I did not want to experience. I stuck it out through the thick and the thin, and without that I probably would not be where I currently am. Yes, I am on medication, but for a good reason. Without medication and therapy my process of getting better can only go so far. I did a lot of the work of getting over my anxiety by myself in that time period, which really surprised my therapist, but I still needed a little push and guiding to help me the rest of the way.

So, waiting you say? I think not.

 If I had waited, I would be stuck in my house each and every day without a best friend or a guy that I love. I'd be home-schooled, not  having experienced what it is like to be a leader or have the means of being around a huge variety of people that could guide me to be who I am. I am grateful for me being the person I am, and I wouldn't take away the pain I experienced for anything. I'm not saying that the pain of feeling like you were about to vomit up every ounce of your stomach is easy to handle, because believe me that was hell, and still is when my anxiety comes around. 

I deal.

I know everyone has the strength to be someone they don't think they can be and to show the world they can make a difference. Don't let anyone tell you different. Life is hard at times, but it is also rewarding. I just went through one of the worst weeks in my life, and no matter how much I cried and whined and hated myself, I kept telling myself "it will be okay" and to just "hold out". Now, today, looking back, it was all worth it. 

Don't wait for change...be the change!

Those Feelings

I know your thoughts are conflicted, and your mind is spinning. Your heart tells you one thing and your promises tell you another. Lessons have been learned and bridges were burned with the past but here is your present showing you it is all right. You want to move on, but there is something pulling you back. Those memories you made that you tell yourself you need to forget but really you are truly lying to yourself about all of that.  The dreams that you dream were real but you wake up to the nightmare of your life you've made. Your helpless feeling you can do little about. The fact that you spent so long on something you can't go back to with the same feeling you had had before. When the tears spill from your eyes and you can't explain why. The words that race in your head that paper little helps and saying would ruin. Your eyes stay closed but your mind is wide open. To turn back time, what would happen? The chill that never dies. To wish you had done differently. The stinging of your eyes like you cry razor blades. The time when you could have made the choice to have done differently but you did not see it as what it could have been. To writing words that will never be read by those eyes you wish could see them. To remembering the last time.... To the last word that was said. The confusion of it all, not knowing what happens next. Those unexplained moments, thoughts, feelings, and such.

I've been there,.. you've been there,.. we all have.

What will suicide do? You can't see the future, but you can wait. You are not alone in life, don't forget that. People may say, or you might think, that you are nothing to the world, that you don't matter. You matter. Everyday you change lives. By reading this you will have changed mine. I will know that you care. Don't feel afraid of the unknown. Who knows what good in your life you would have missed? You could be someone who changes the way we live! Think about all of the people you've looked up to and admired. Who made those people who they are/were? Their parents, their friends, their teachers, their mentors, their peers,...the list goes on and on. You might not seem important but you really and truly are. You might be that parent, friend, teacher, mentor, peer, or so on. It might not seem so out there in reality but it is there you just have to look for it. Would we have lights or computers or phones if someone had given up on life because they thought that life was not worth it and no one really cared about them. No, we might not of had those things. 

You might not be able to change the past but you can always change the future!

Starting at the Beginning

Hey!


Life is good right? Haha, don't worry! It's like mother nature, one day it is all yippidy-do-dah and the next  you think all hell possibly broke loose. Gosh, if life had a manual wouldn't we all be amazing at being who we are? Personally, I wonder who actually would read that goddamn infinite paged book! Well, enough of my blabbering about my opinions for right now, and let us get straight down to the facts.

Can't start a blog without telling you a little (lies!!!) about myself...

Call me Lexi (if you didn't get the idea from my blog already). I am a senior in high school, and I have two brothers, neither which graduated from the same high school, and I also will follow in their path with that. My eldest brother, he was in the army for a while but now resides in that exotic place every American wants to live...Hawaii. The other brother, also older if you haven't figured that out, well he's living at home. Truthfully, I feel like I've achieved more than the both of them sometimes. My parents, you ask? Well, my mother, she's sweet, caring, an amazing cook (all my friends love her chicken enchiladas <3), and she is my mom. My father, on-the-other-hand,well he is the dreaded "Po-Po" that everyone fears, and sometimes I feel he is insensitive towards my ways. I live in a nice house, I was in winter cheer my Junior year, I have a really awesome best friend, and from the outside what seems like a normal life.

 It's all an illusion I tell you!

 If anyone could fake being normal, it might be me. Since I was a young child I have had separation issues, in fifth grade I somehow managed to come down with this thing they call anxiety, I have a personal issue that few people know about, and all of this stuff 99% of the people I know have no idea any of this goes on in my life.

 If there was a normal, I would not be one!

I've done a lot of bad things in my life...from meeting people on online games at the age of who knows when, to dating a person from one of those games, to talking to that person on my cell phone unbeknownst to my parents, to meeting that same person in real life, to cheating on him by kissing another guy I met at a wedding reception, to putting contact solution in a friend's drink, to getting in-school for that incident, and last but not least, to the one mistake that cost me the one person I love the most (more about that later in another blog).

Now that I've named pretty much all the bad things I've done, here are the good...

I get good grades: the whole of my sophomore year I got straight A's, I've managed to keep A's and B's pretty much my whole high school career except for the C or two caused by an AP class or  my anxiety, I do not do drugs, I do not drink, I do not smoke, I do not drive recklessly, I have good friends, am better than both of my brothers with their own problems, I volunteer, I have been in 3 pageants (never won one though, but that's not the point to be in one for me), I am involved in my high school, I am the VP of my school's FCCLA, and so much more.

Some stuff to know abut me that I didn't mention before...

I love writing and reading. I want to be an environmentalist when I get older. I miss my brother's dog, LC, she is sooooo adorable, cuddly, smart, and playful. I work with the special needs teens at school, and you have no idea the experiences you'll see or how you feel at the end of the day unless you've worked with them. I love turtles. I love this guy named Adam, who by the way is the one that I wish could see that I am dearly sorry for the mistake I made (again, talk about it later).  OH, by the way, he is my inspiration for this and I would do anything for him (well, maybe I'd have to reconsider the suicidal part unless he was in danger or those kinds of things). I try to be a good friend, but sometimes I screw up just like everyone else does. My problems make me not really know who I am, but I am trying to overcome them especially to show Adam that I will do everything for him. 

 I truly wish he'll read this. 

Gosh...I see how addicting blogs are now. I would have titled this "It's All About Me" but there are limitations that make me know that I am changing my ways to be a better person. I need advice, but I would also like to give some for the people who read my blog if need be. If you would like me to write anything, I am willing to, just let me know. Also, if you have questions about my anxiety, or you might think you have something similar, let me know.

ASK AWAY MY FOLLOWERS!