You Matter

It has been a while since I last wrote but I thought since I was staying home sick today from school (yep, the day before spring break) that I would write. The last day of the third quarter is today, and I am missing it. My adorable boyfriend, Adam, is in Florida on his spring trip for guitar and I miss him like crazy.

I want to be truthful right now and say that I was scared and still am of his going to Florida. One reason was because of this girl who is after him, and won't stop at nothing to get him even though she knows that he and I are dating. It is not that I don't trust Adam, because I do, it is just that girls like that will put up a fight and will find ways around obstacles (like me). I hated to see him go on Wednesday, knowing he'd be gone for 4 days, but I knew I could make it through those days. I have been away from him for way longer, but it was the fact that I don't trust that girl one bit. 

I know he loves me, and I love him.

Now the reason I'm worried is not because of this girl, it is because he seems mad at me. We did promise to text each other while he was on the trip, and unfortunately he hasn't been doing that. Now, I actually can live with him not texting me. That doesn't bother me, truthfully. The thing that does bother me, though, is the fact that he seems quite upset with me, or mad, and I am not sure why. I have done nothing wrong, so it really confuses me. So when he did send me a text that said, "ha." and "have a good spring break", it really worried me because it seemed to me that he was being sarcastic.

 Who knows? I might be over reacting. I do that sometimes.

The thing is my anxiety levels go up when something like this happens because I love this guy way more than he knows, and there are so many things he has changed in me that he doesn't see. When my anxiety goes up, my stomach hurts. When my stomach hurts, I can't eat. When I don't eat, I feel more sick. That is the circle of my life. So, I really put myself into a bad situation every time we have a fight or we're upset at each other.

 I couldn't feel more comfortable around anyone than I do with him. 

Every time I see his face there is an automatic smile on mine. I would try anything to show him how it is that I love him. I love bringing him little surprises, especially when he least expects them. When he gets back from his trip, he is going to be blown out of his mind. I don't believe he will be able to handle everything that is going on. At least, I sort of hope that is the case.

So, as I sit here writing this I am wondering what it is he is thinking.

 Is he upset at me? Why would that be? What could I have done? Am I overreacting? Is he? Is he just enjoying himself, and being distracted? I love him. Wonder what he is doing? How is he? I hope he is having a ton of fun! I can't wait till he gets back, though! Will he like my surprises? Will he read this? If he is mad, is it something that can be fixed? 

Who knows the answer to those questions? He does.

I can live with him not texting me, but I cannot live without him in my life. I am not sure if he sees how important he is to me and how he affects my life, because that really is a huge deal. You know, I am proud of myself. Why, you ask? Well because I have changed. I know what I did at the end of January was wrong,  liking someone else, and ever since Adam had broken up with me it flipped my world upside down. I really did deserve that, and I definitely needed it. I no longer like anyone but him. I have no feelings towards any other guy, other than friendship, and I couldn't be happier. I never thought I could do that, but he proved to me that it can be done...along with some pain, suffering, time, and work. It's possible, and he helped me prove it to myself.

***

Side note:
Adam Hoff if you ever ask yourself why you are meant to be here in this world, look around. You change the lives of everyone around you, even if you don't initially see it. I know that it is hard being a teenager and growing up isn't always a ton of fun. I know we want to grow up, be adults, and have the right to do what we want without anyone holding us back. While we want that, what we don't know is that we don't want to rush life. We are happy where we are, truthfully. You like being you. You are adorable, thoughtful, sweet, caring, sincere, crazy (in a very hilarious, good way), loving, friendly, you could kill anyone with your smile, you are really smart (seriously, I am not making that up! Don't let anyone tell you different, or put you down!), you are a(n)  _______ (fill in the blank with all of the words that could describe how you are such a great swimmer) swimmer, you have a great life ahead of you, and you will change the world. I love you for you, and nothing and no one else!

***

I know it is hard to trust anyone but yourself, especially if many people have betrayed the trust you set for them. Working that trust up again is a lot of work, and you will ask yourself why it is they deserve your effort. Now, I can't say for a fact that it is always worth it, but sometimes it may be. Search for those answers to your questions, I am sure they are there somewhere close by, even if they do involve a bunch of digging around. Don't let anyone but yourself influence your decisions, because only you know what is right for you. 

Take your time, but don't take forever, because the world can't dish out that much for anyone, even if you are super special and important!