Controversy

So today was very upsetting for me. I've really never been known to be a 'bad' kid or someone who gets into trouble at school, but today I feel like I was called out for something so ridiculous. Maybe that is why I took offense to such a small thing, but...

...on-the-other-hand I have every right to be upset.

I was walking back to class after I had delivered the extension cord back to the janitors and this guidance secretary, I guess that is what she is, stops me in the hall. She asks me to take off my "hat". Of course, I'm not one to talk back to an adult unless it is in a joking manner, (or they might just happen to be my parents), but today I did talk back (to an extent). I looked at her like she was crazy. I've never wanted to complain so much about what I was wearing! It's not like I was wearing something inapropro! It was not a gang sign! It was a simple beret. My brother was in the army and he wore a beret. Why can I not wear one? I just for once wanted to seem like I fit in with all of my peers, but due to the incident today I will now be fitting in with my peers in an unfashionable, non-beret wearing way. I mean I barely ever do anything with my hair, but today I did and I pretty much got criticized for it. That makes me feel bad about myself. Thanks for throwing my self esteem out the window!

Have you ever read your school's rules and regulations? 

I have plenty of times. Today I reread the dress code section and noticed that you are not allowed to wear "hats" or something that hangs around your neck (so does that mean I can't wear a scarf, either?). The dress code policy stated things that were not to be worn in school, or were inappropriate for public. Funny thing is it never said anything about wearing nothing. Hmmm? So does that mean we can just show up naked? Well, other than the fact that you'd be picked up in a cop car for public indecency, yeah, you could. It is the things that are left open to interpretation that cause conflict such as my incident with the beret. This is part of the reason that the government sometimes has problems with the constitution.

I know life isn't always going to be how we want it to be, like my mom said.

 I will get defensive about this subject because now I feel like I was put into a situation where I could not have the right of self-expression and the freedom and liberty that is granted to me as a citizen of the United States of America. Now, I'm not going to take this to court, but it is wrong for me to have gone out and spent money on something that I can no longer wear. I would understand if this was just a one day deal, but I spend 5 of my 7 days in a week going to school. This means only 2 days of my 7 am I allowed to wear this beret that I bought. Of those two days, I never usually go anywhere or dress up nice to wear a beret. So now I have a wasted piece of a hair accessory (notice that I did not say "hat")! Way to waste money! (something my mom complains about is me not wearing clothes I have or wasting money on things I don't use)

Please do not tell me that my beret is a "hat" because it is not.

 It is an fashion accessory for my hair, not my head. If I did not have hair, they would have to let me wear a hat to keep my head warm, but since I have hair it is to accessorize. Yes, it may sit/rest/lay on my head but it does not cover my face, eyes, or my entire head. It is a see through accessory for my hair. Technically it cannot be called a head covering due to the fact that really my head isn't covered. OH, and by the way, lunch ladies wear "hats" in school too!!!!

Waiting for Change

With every good thing comes a bad thing. 

You have to admit that life surely isn't what we asked for, but really the choice is yours to spend it wisely. Go ahead and waste your days away, or, instead, you can make life what you want it to be. If you sit around waiting for change, will it ever happen? It's possible, but the statistics are not very high for that.

Life will continue to surprise you!

I know from experience that waiting won't get you anywhere fast. You could spend years waiting, and nothing would ever come to you. Wait for love? Sure it might come, eventually, but really that is a choice you have to make yourself. I have anxiety, as you know. It all started in 5th grade, and now I'm a senior in high school. You could say I waited six to seven years to go on medication if you did not really know me. Truthfully, I spent those six to seven years throwing myself blindly into situations I knew would cause me pain that I did not want to experience. I stuck it out through the thick and the thin, and without that I probably would not be where I currently am. Yes, I am on medication, but for a good reason. Without medication and therapy my process of getting better can only go so far. I did a lot of the work of getting over my anxiety by myself in that time period, which really surprised my therapist, but I still needed a little push and guiding to help me the rest of the way.

So, waiting you say? I think not.

 If I had waited, I would be stuck in my house each and every day without a best friend or a guy that I love. I'd be home-schooled, not  having experienced what it is like to be a leader or have the means of being around a huge variety of people that could guide me to be who I am. I am grateful for me being the person I am, and I wouldn't take away the pain I experienced for anything. I'm not saying that the pain of feeling like you were about to vomit up every ounce of your stomach is easy to handle, because believe me that was hell, and still is when my anxiety comes around. 

I deal.

I know everyone has the strength to be someone they don't think they can be and to show the world they can make a difference. Don't let anyone tell you different. Life is hard at times, but it is also rewarding. I just went through one of the worst weeks in my life, and no matter how much I cried and whined and hated myself, I kept telling myself "it will be okay" and to just "hold out". Now, today, looking back, it was all worth it. 

Don't wait for change...be the change!

Those Feelings

I know your thoughts are conflicted, and your mind is spinning. Your heart tells you one thing and your promises tell you another. Lessons have been learned and bridges were burned with the past but here is your present showing you it is all right. You want to move on, but there is something pulling you back. Those memories you made that you tell yourself you need to forget but really you are truly lying to yourself about all of that.  The dreams that you dream were real but you wake up to the nightmare of your life you've made. Your helpless feeling you can do little about. The fact that you spent so long on something you can't go back to with the same feeling you had had before. When the tears spill from your eyes and you can't explain why. The words that race in your head that paper little helps and saying would ruin. Your eyes stay closed but your mind is wide open. To turn back time, what would happen? The chill that never dies. To wish you had done differently. The stinging of your eyes like you cry razor blades. The time when you could have made the choice to have done differently but you did not see it as what it could have been. To writing words that will never be read by those eyes you wish could see them. To remembering the last time.... To the last word that was said. The confusion of it all, not knowing what happens next. Those unexplained moments, thoughts, feelings, and such.

I've been there,.. you've been there,.. we all have.

What will suicide do? You can't see the future, but you can wait. You are not alone in life, don't forget that. People may say, or you might think, that you are nothing to the world, that you don't matter. You matter. Everyday you change lives. By reading this you will have changed mine. I will know that you care. Don't feel afraid of the unknown. Who knows what good in your life you would have missed? You could be someone who changes the way we live! Think about all of the people you've looked up to and admired. Who made those people who they are/were? Their parents, their friends, their teachers, their mentors, their peers,...the list goes on and on. You might not seem important but you really and truly are. You might be that parent, friend, teacher, mentor, peer, or so on. It might not seem so out there in reality but it is there you just have to look for it. Would we have lights or computers or phones if someone had given up on life because they thought that life was not worth it and no one really cared about them. No, we might not of had those things. 

You might not be able to change the past but you can always change the future!

Starting at the Beginning

Hey!


Life is good right? Haha, don't worry! It's like mother nature, one day it is all yippidy-do-dah and the next  you think all hell possibly broke loose. Gosh, if life had a manual wouldn't we all be amazing at being who we are? Personally, I wonder who actually would read that goddamn infinite paged book! Well, enough of my blabbering about my opinions for right now, and let us get straight down to the facts.

Can't start a blog without telling you a little (lies!!!) about myself...

Call me Lexi (if you didn't get the idea from my blog already). I am a senior in high school, and I have two brothers, neither which graduated from the same high school, and I also will follow in their path with that. My eldest brother, he was in the army for a while but now resides in that exotic place every American wants to live...Hawaii. The other brother, also older if you haven't figured that out, well he's living at home. Truthfully, I feel like I've achieved more than the both of them sometimes. My parents, you ask? Well, my mother, she's sweet, caring, an amazing cook (all my friends love her chicken enchiladas <3), and she is my mom. My father, on-the-other-hand,well he is the dreaded "Po-Po" that everyone fears, and sometimes I feel he is insensitive towards my ways. I live in a nice house, I was in winter cheer my Junior year, I have a really awesome best friend, and from the outside what seems like a normal life.

 It's all an illusion I tell you!

 If anyone could fake being normal, it might be me. Since I was a young child I have had separation issues, in fifth grade I somehow managed to come down with this thing they call anxiety, I have a personal issue that few people know about, and all of this stuff 99% of the people I know have no idea any of this goes on in my life.

 If there was a normal, I would not be one!

I've done a lot of bad things in my life...from meeting people on online games at the age of who knows when, to dating a person from one of those games, to talking to that person on my cell phone unbeknownst to my parents, to meeting that same person in real life, to cheating on him by kissing another guy I met at a wedding reception, to putting contact solution in a friend's drink, to getting in-school for that incident, and last but not least, to the one mistake that cost me the one person I love the most (more about that later in another blog).

Now that I've named pretty much all the bad things I've done, here are the good...

I get good grades: the whole of my sophomore year I got straight A's, I've managed to keep A's and B's pretty much my whole high school career except for the C or two caused by an AP class or  my anxiety, I do not do drugs, I do not drink, I do not smoke, I do not drive recklessly, I have good friends, am better than both of my brothers with their own problems, I volunteer, I have been in 3 pageants (never won one though, but that's not the point to be in one for me), I am involved in my high school, I am the VP of my school's FCCLA, and so much more.

Some stuff to know abut me that I didn't mention before...

I love writing and reading. I want to be an environmentalist when I get older. I miss my brother's dog, LC, she is sooooo adorable, cuddly, smart, and playful. I work with the special needs teens at school, and you have no idea the experiences you'll see or how you feel at the end of the day unless you've worked with them. I love turtles. I love this guy named Adam, who by the way is the one that I wish could see that I am dearly sorry for the mistake I made (again, talk about it later).  OH, by the way, he is my inspiration for this and I would do anything for him (well, maybe I'd have to reconsider the suicidal part unless he was in danger or those kinds of things). I try to be a good friend, but sometimes I screw up just like everyone else does. My problems make me not really know who I am, but I am trying to overcome them especially to show Adam that I will do everything for him. 

 I truly wish he'll read this. 

Gosh...I see how addicting blogs are now. I would have titled this "It's All About Me" but there are limitations that make me know that I am changing my ways to be a better person. I need advice, but I would also like to give some for the people who read my blog if need be. If you would like me to write anything, I am willing to, just let me know. Also, if you have questions about my anxiety, or you might think you have something similar, let me know.

ASK AWAY MY FOLLOWERS!