It was Saturday, August 27th in the year 1994. I’m not sure of the weather or the exact time when you first saw me, but I do know that you were one of the first people to hold me in their arms. The first time I opened my eyes you were most likely the one I looked up to, and even now those times haven’t changed much. It could never be said that for one day I didn’t appreciate your role in my life. Yes, almost eighteen strenuous, but joy-filled, years later I may act like the teenager you see me as, but what you might not know that every so often I think of how lucky I am. It could always be worse -- my situation, that is. I’m not perfect, and I know you’re not expecting me to be, but believe me I try for the people who love me most.
It may seem as if I'm blind to all of the love you have shared with me throughout the years; the sweet tea, the donuts, the ginger ale when I'm sick, the random leftover candy, and so much more. Do know that I do realize that you care. Just like you, I'm not much of a person to apologize by my voice, that's just not how I communicate. Maybe that is the reason I say what I do the way I do? Writing has always been my strong point: from grammar to my blog, that’s always been there for me to vent how I feel.
“Never be ashamed
to admit you were wrong. It only shows you are smarter today than you were
yesterday.” ― Marilyn Taylor Klam
As for the quote above, I have to admit that I probably could have made a better choice that night. I was upset, for one, because David couldn't hang out and I felt like Jessica wasn't really happy spending time with me. She has been treating me differently lately, and not having your best friend hurts. (We all have those times, though, and I know you have been in situations similar to mine before.) To tell you the truth, Jessica never tried to stop me or tell me my judgment was off. Tyler even confirmed that I heard everything that she said, and I missed nothing. If Jessica had mentioned something to me, it might have all been different, but she's blaming me for this. Just the other night, Jessica made a mistake herself; she had plans with Cody and when he cancelled on her, she thought she'd stop by at the Kobler's and stay for only a bit. The few minutes turned into hours, and her mom called her worried sick. Jessica didn't think she was going to stay there long and time passed her by before she knew it. We're all humans, and we all make mistakes.
There are certain
things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a
mistake because the only way to know that it really is a mistake is to make
that mistake and go, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger
mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go about your
whole life not knowing whether it was a mistake or not.
― How I Met
Your Mother, Episode 21
My mistake doesn't seem as much of a mistake as it does a wrong doing. Those may be of similarity, but not completely. The mistake I made was the incorrect judgment of the whole situation. My wrong doing, on the other hand, is the fact that I did what I did. Neither was intentional in any means. I didn't think I was putting myself in harm’s way by getting in the car with him, and in the end I really didn't. In my eyes, I don't technically see that night as a defiance of some sort or a way of imposing fear into others. I still look back and believe that what I did wasn't necessarily bad, but I do admit that it wasn't the best of ideas, either. I know we might never agree on this, that's just how life works. So, all I can ask is that you forgive me for what I did and see that I can/will make better decisions in the future.
The way I live my life, I try my very best. As I said before, I can't be perfect but that won't stop me from trying my hardest to do so. My parents are the ones who taught me to be who I am; I make my decisions based on the lessons they've helped me learn and the knowledge they've instilled in me. Look how lucky you've got it! Your only daughter is a month from turning 18 and already graduated high school with an advanced diploma. She doesn't spend time with the kids who drink alcohol and do drugs. She's never smoked anything, not even meat. Nowadays, it is hard to find a teen like her. One who has a good group of friends, tries hard in school, hasn't given herself away, and has a good head on her shoulders. Not only do I have it good, but you do too.
I just want to be loved and cared for, and sometimes I get the feeling that no matter what I say you just don't listen. The day after the garage burnt down I remember standing next to you as you sat on the swing you built me. That was the first day I ever felt my heart drop as I looked at you; it killed me to see you so torn over the loss of your 'man cave'. You might have thought I just walked away from the swing because I was bored or tired of standing there, but I didn't want you to see my cry. I knew what you were feeling. That everything you worked up to was destroyed. I've been there.
Every man has his own courage, and is
betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons. ~Ralph Waldo
Emerson
In my anxiety, I spent a long seven years trying to figure out why I felt sick to my stomach every day, and each day I stuck through it. You might never have seen me at school, but I barely ever left the classroom. No matter how sick I felt, I always reminded myself that I could do it and that the class would be over soon. I get my strength (and my stubbornness) from you. Just last year we found out I had anxiety and it helped me realize I'm not alone. That's what I needed. It's just that I worked so hard by myself to get to where I was, and when I feel like you don't comprehend how I feel it kills me inside. Every therapist, counselor, and psychiatrist has told me how proud they are of me for sticking it out this long and making it so far in recovery. The problem is I can only do so much on my own, and that is where you come in. I need the support of a father, and you're the only one who has the power to give me that love.
So here is the realization you were awaiting. The one I've always had. Here is the respect you deserve, that you think I haven't given. I want to apologize now because I realize that you might not come home one day, and I want you to know that I love you. I will only have one father, and that father is you. You've always been the hero to me, nothing less.
“Milk Duds are the most apologetic of the
boxed candies.”
― Sheldon Cooper
Love,
Daddy's Little
Princess
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