You Matter

It has been a while since I last wrote but I thought since I was staying home sick today from school (yep, the day before spring break) that I would write. The last day of the third quarter is today, and I am missing it. My adorable boyfriend, Adam, is in Florida on his spring trip for guitar and I miss him like crazy.

I want to be truthful right now and say that I was scared and still am of his going to Florida. One reason was because of this girl who is after him, and won't stop at nothing to get him even though she knows that he and I are dating. It is not that I don't trust Adam, because I do, it is just that girls like that will put up a fight and will find ways around obstacles (like me). I hated to see him go on Wednesday, knowing he'd be gone for 4 days, but I knew I could make it through those days. I have been away from him for way longer, but it was the fact that I don't trust that girl one bit. 

I know he loves me, and I love him.

Now the reason I'm worried is not because of this girl, it is because he seems mad at me. We did promise to text each other while he was on the trip, and unfortunately he hasn't been doing that. Now, I actually can live with him not texting me. That doesn't bother me, truthfully. The thing that does bother me, though, is the fact that he seems quite upset with me, or mad, and I am not sure why. I have done nothing wrong, so it really confuses me. So when he did send me a text that said, "ha." and "have a good spring break", it really worried me because it seemed to me that he was being sarcastic.

 Who knows? I might be over reacting. I do that sometimes.

The thing is my anxiety levels go up when something like this happens because I love this guy way more than he knows, and there are so many things he has changed in me that he doesn't see. When my anxiety goes up, my stomach hurts. When my stomach hurts, I can't eat. When I don't eat, I feel more sick. That is the circle of my life. So, I really put myself into a bad situation every time we have a fight or we're upset at each other.

 I couldn't feel more comfortable around anyone than I do with him. 

Every time I see his face there is an automatic smile on mine. I would try anything to show him how it is that I love him. I love bringing him little surprises, especially when he least expects them. When he gets back from his trip, he is going to be blown out of his mind. I don't believe he will be able to handle everything that is going on. At least, I sort of hope that is the case.

So, as I sit here writing this I am wondering what it is he is thinking.

 Is he upset at me? Why would that be? What could I have done? Am I overreacting? Is he? Is he just enjoying himself, and being distracted? I love him. Wonder what he is doing? How is he? I hope he is having a ton of fun! I can't wait till he gets back, though! Will he like my surprises? Will he read this? If he is mad, is it something that can be fixed? 

Who knows the answer to those questions? He does.

I can live with him not texting me, but I cannot live without him in my life. I am not sure if he sees how important he is to me and how he affects my life, because that really is a huge deal. You know, I am proud of myself. Why, you ask? Well because I have changed. I know what I did at the end of January was wrong,  liking someone else, and ever since Adam had broken up with me it flipped my world upside down. I really did deserve that, and I definitely needed it. I no longer like anyone but him. I have no feelings towards any other guy, other than friendship, and I couldn't be happier. I never thought I could do that, but he proved to me that it can be done...along with some pain, suffering, time, and work. It's possible, and he helped me prove it to myself.

***

Side note:
Adam Hoff if you ever ask yourself why you are meant to be here in this world, look around. You change the lives of everyone around you, even if you don't initially see it. I know that it is hard being a teenager and growing up isn't always a ton of fun. I know we want to grow up, be adults, and have the right to do what we want without anyone holding us back. While we want that, what we don't know is that we don't want to rush life. We are happy where we are, truthfully. You like being you. You are adorable, thoughtful, sweet, caring, sincere, crazy (in a very hilarious, good way), loving, friendly, you could kill anyone with your smile, you are really smart (seriously, I am not making that up! Don't let anyone tell you different, or put you down!), you are a(n)  _______ (fill in the blank with all of the words that could describe how you are such a great swimmer) swimmer, you have a great life ahead of you, and you will change the world. I love you for you, and nothing and no one else!

***

I know it is hard to trust anyone but yourself, especially if many people have betrayed the trust you set for them. Working that trust up again is a lot of work, and you will ask yourself why it is they deserve your effort. Now, I can't say for a fact that it is always worth it, but sometimes it may be. Search for those answers to your questions, I am sure they are there somewhere close by, even if they do involve a bunch of digging around. Don't let anyone but yourself influence your decisions, because only you know what is right for you. 

Take your time, but don't take forever, because the world can't dish out that much for anyone, even if you are super special and important!

Spring Blossoms New Stress

I want to hear your thoughts about what you'd like to read about, and I'd love to share my views of the world with you. From school to home. From best days to the worst of the worst. From relationships to personal problems. From a comment to a slur. Bring it on! I'm ready for everything you have to offer. Give me a topic. 

I'd rather write than do my homework...right?

Now that it is spring...or well as warm as spring is...I may actually get some fresh air while writing. I love the smell of the fresh dew in the morning, to hear the birds chirping as the sun rises, to walk around barefoot and not have to worry about freezing my toes off. It's beautiful this time of year, and it reminds me how much I love life. I would love to spend time with my love outside enjoying this nice weather while it lasts (cause who really knows what mother nature intends), but he's been on restriction and has swim and has been super busy. That is what keeps me inside, the fact that I have no one I want to spend this delightful blessing of a spring, or end of winter, with. My best friend has been super busy with work, her boyfriend, and school, so we haven't really had time to hang out. Leaving me with Caroline, a family friend who lives in my house now and is a freshmen, which is a different story completely.

Stress has hit me. Hasn't it gotten to you, yet? 

School, Family, Boyfriend, Projects, Work, Friends, Money, Life...(just to name a few)! My anxiety levels are up, school has been frustrating. I work every other Saturday, making 6.50/hr and only work 2-3 hours. I have a huge project, diorama, for my Early Childhood class that is super intense in detail and I feel like no matter how much I try it will never come out to the teacher's liking. Friends, well they are friends, they come and go as they wish and have their own agendas, you just have to work around them. Family, oh my family; my home life has been crazy with Caroline and her father moving in, me sharing a bedroom/bathroom with her, and just all the other usual stuff that goes on behind closed doors. My Boyfriend. Well.........Haha! Just Kidding! I love the kid! He's always there for me (most the time that is) when I need him, and even when I don't (which by the way is NEVER). Even though we have our disagreements and problems, from time to time, we are working on ways to make our relationship stronger and healthier. He's worth it, believe me!

Life is life, what can I say! 

Try to Understand

Here is a poem I just wrote..read it and tell me what you think. It was a spur of the moment inspirational composition. Nothing fancy.

Hear Me Out

By: Forever Lexi

You never try to listen, when all I want is to be heard.

You never even give me the chance to say a single word.

When my days go wrong and all I want is to be left alone.

Then you'll knock at my door to say "get off the phone".

He is the only one who truly listens to how I feel.

The one person who can point out the perfect teal.

His mind stays open as does his heart. 

Every word, every thought, every minuscule part.

I know our days are different, and life is hard,

But there are feelings I don't let pass through my guard.

You may sleep all day and work all night,

But you don't see it through the same light.

When you are gone at work I worry,

But when you are home it's always fury.

If I try to explain to you a thought,

My words automatically get fought.

Just stop for a minute and see,

That I am only me.

Not everyone is the same as you,

Anxiety or depression or a medical issue.

Dream Come True

It is like it was out of a fairy-tale...

For nights after he broke up with me I would have dreams, dreams that he would forgive me. He would hold me close to him and everything would be better again. Just like that one song, the only place I could see his adorable, precious face and see him smile was in my dreams.

Those dreams...they came true!

He is the one person in my life that I have felt so comfortable with...one thing that my anxiety makes it difficult for me to do. He is my best friend in life. He is that someone I can tell everything to, without hesitation. His eyes make me calm. His face reminds me of why I live each day the way I do. My hand in his tells me I'm not alone. I don't have to act, I can just be myself with him. His craziness shows me that I can be silly and weird and stupid...and no matter what he'll still see me the same way as he always has.

"Love is hard work; and hard work sometimes hurts."

-Unknown Author

Every school day morning, no matter how bad I feel or how much I don't want to go to school, I get up and go because of him. He is my inspiration. He sees past all of  my flaws. He believes I look beautiful at my worst. He thinks I am perfect even when I broke his heart. He is there for me when I need someone to just listen. He is more than I could ever ask for. 

He deserves better than me, but I'll accept that he has settled for less. <3

Every night before I go to sleep I hope to hear his voice. He puts this sense of peace and serenity into my life that I've never felt before. He makes me smile like I've never smiled before. We are alike in ways we cannot explain. We have our inside jokes and our own vocabulary.

"Our love is here to stay."
-Ira Gershwin

It feels like we never broke up, even though I know we did, and believe me I am glad you took the initiative to. I am happier than I was before, thanks to you. We are better than we are before, stronger and healthier, happier and smarter. 

You are mine and I am yours.

"It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone, when your heart still does."

-Mallory Jones

To Flirt or NOT to Flirt

Hey My Followers!

I apologize for being M.I.A. but now I am back! Lots of work going on my senior year of high school!

Let me catch you up on some stuff in my life...

Well I am back from a three day weekend turned horrible with food poisoning from a burrito at El Sloppy Taco (not their fault, it was mine for not refrigerating it afterwards). Working on a file folder, coloring and then some more of that stuff we did in kindergarten and first grade and second...something we weren't meant to be doing in high school. Oh, and then I cut, and cut some more until there were marks on my fingers and my hands ached from cutting. Then I glued which made my hands sticky and gross. Forgot to study for a history test that I could swear for some reason I thought we had taken already. Worked at my aunt's store, Pixie Kidz, and then babysat; children love me for some odd reason, and cannot stop fighting over where I will sleep. Ate a delicious heart shaped pancake. Yummm! Tried out my lesson plan that went disastrous; they were too interested in opening the Easter eggs rather than shaking them to hear what sound they made.  Went around school taping Dr. Seuss birthday cards to a large amount of the school's lockers after I had hot glued at least a couple hundred Dr. Seuss hat stickers to each paper. Got some information on graduation. Am having chest pains for some weird reason and a bunch of other random things that I cannot seem to remember about my long time away from my blog.

Last but not least, I have a boyfriend!..but he requires his own paragraph (or, maybe, more).

So as you might have known from my first post, my boyfriend had broken up with me at the end of January. Why, you might ask? Reason is I was stupid. Easy to say, right? I loved him. He meant the world to me. But what I did might seem like those things were lies. I'm a flirt, simply saying. I am in love with the fact that others like me. I will say that at times I went a little too far with it, the flirting. I knew what I did was wrong and I have been trying to overtake my bad habits with good ones. I was doing great. I had decreased my flirting, but I had made a few mistakes on taking it too far and in January I hit the last straw. I met a guy who was deaf and automatically started liking him, thanks to the ABC Family hit show Switched at Birth. Texting turned to flirting which turned to a video chat. Wow, did I make a mistake, and not only hurt one person but probably two. 

Side note: I apologize for leading you on Troy! and for my love...I'll keep my apologies person-to-person.

Now, I went through about a week and a half of hell. Yep, it sucked. Can't phrase it any other way. Ironically, I got a note on my locker just the other day saying something like the pain was worth suffering through. It was right. It was worth suffering. I spent days eating little to nothing, slept for hours on end, cried myself to sleep, tried to smile and pretend I was happy, took alternate paths just hoping to see him in the halls (cause I knew he was avoiding the normal routine), spent classes searching for songs to show him just how I felt, felt sicker than normal, planned an amazing Valentine's day for him, wrote a four page essay explaining everything and nothing, and tried every little thing to say just how much he meant to me. My best friend told me..."it'll be alright, don't worry" and of course I said "no it won't!" as I sobbed and moaned. Of course the one time she is right...(LOL, I love you JESSICA)! I am so glad she was right, and also glad that she was right there next to me when I needed her most. Thanks my hopping bunny side kick!

 "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be."

In the end, I got the love of my life back. Pretty much sounds like a romantic movie almost. Yay for happy endings! I made him a heart-shaped pizza with pepperoni cut up into pieces to spell "I love u", brought him a mountain dew (his favorite soda), made him some Hershey kiss shaped Rice Krispie treats (which used to be my favorite cereal, by the way, and I would hold the box next to me so no one could eat them), got him a cupcake, and some other stuff, too. I wouldn't just do that for anyone!

"What we can do for another is the test of powers; what we can suffer is the test of love."
-Brooke Foss Westcott

I am not saying don't make mistakes...just don't make the same mistake twice!