FEARS: TIPS AND MORE

Fears: we all have them!

They get us where we are weakest.

According to pretty much every study out there, public speaking is the number one most feared of all the fears we have. Not even death can overcompensate for how anxiety ridden we are when we are faced with getting up in front of a group of our peers or even strangers! That's absolutely insane to think about! Death, losing others or dying ourselves, is less frightful than standing and presenting our ideas to others when we are alive (may not be breathing, but we are living). Those others, being people we may never encounter again in our lives!

Very interesting fact, isn't it?

Our minds are more concerned with being rejected and disappointing others that we can't even seem to comprehend reality and the truth that hours after we speak publicly no one will probably remember if you hesitated, made a mistake, or, even worse, got sick! Yet, even if they did, why do you care what others think about you. They shouldn't make the decision of whether you're a strong, able-bodied person.

Be yourself!

Openly admit your opinions, because they are yours and no one in their right mind could change them unless you let them.
 

So, don't let them!

Personally, I have a terrible time trying to voice my opinion through speech. As you can probably see, I do way better at showing others how I feel and what I am thinking through writing.

 That's just me!

Now, use me as an example. I have anxiety. Specifically, we can talk about a more categorical kind of anxiety that I have: Agoraphobia. This is the fear, and yes I said "fear", of being stuck in a place or area where you cannot escape. Where people, including strangers, will see you having a panic attack or any such anxiety related symptoms. I have been afraid of riding in cars with my friends, staying over at other people's houses, and sitting in a classroom for 45-90 minutes.

I have been through excruciating pain by facing my fears. Do you know who forced me to do that? Let it be no surprise to you, but I, myself, me, put me through what horrible pain I have experienced up until the very day you read this post on my blog. For example, I used to get very, very sick to my stomach when I would just have to go to  attend school. On top of that, I did everything my peers did and more: I presented projects in front of the class, I joined the student council, I was part of the National Honors Society, I was Vice-President of a club, and I made myself a close student/teacher connection with pretty much all of my teachers, etc.

There is one thing I am most proud of to this day, though. Guess what I did? I made it throught all of this, and I can look back and say I did it no matter what happened throughout my journey.

Now, I am able to be more like myself, and, even better, I can be part of the very few percentage of Americans today that can more easily go up in front of a congregation of people, be it peers or strangers, and speak without having someone to physically or mentally force me to do so.

 I wouldn't say it is super easy, because then I would be lying. Hah! If it was that easy we'd all be excellent at facing public speaking with a positive approach!

This very week I will be putting myself through yet another challenge, a pageant. Yes, you may know that I have been in this specific pageant twice before and another one just once before. So I have had much experience with such an event. No, I never did place as a runner-up or win a title, but that never really mattered to me as much as the whole experience and opportunity that was given to me. I've learned more about myself participating than it would ever matter if I actually won the title or crown. Of course, it would be nice to be Miss Purcellville Police 2012, but I don't put it into my head that the reason for being a participant was ever to actual win. I do it, and without lie, to put myself through what pain I must endure to regain control of a life I should be a part of.

Let this be somewhat of a lesson to you all, that even a person with some sort of disabling feature can overcome the most extreme of extremes. That a fear is really what you set your mind to believe.

So I challenge you all to put yourself up to the test! Find some way of going beyond your comfort zone, and if not for your own good do it for the good of others. I want to see you succeed in your endeavors, whether you seem to fail, in your own eyes or the eyes of others, or not, you will have actually made a leap towards the right path. Don't let your mental incapabilities stop you from living your life.

 You all are capable of devouring your fears and demolishing the world with your experiences! Go ahead! Approach life face first, and I promise I'll be there to catch you if you fall.

(Please refrain from jumping off bridges, buildings, or other tall or possibly not so tall but dangerous places for I cannot catch you if you decide to do so!)

So here are my tips...

1. Remember to breathe
2. Take 10 seconds after any question is asked to look at your audience and comprehend what your about to say before you say anything at all
3. Thank your audience at the beginning of the speech
4. Nowadays, in our generation, people seem to think it is wrong for anyone to pause during a speech or before saying anything at all. What is really right is to actually pause between sentences to allow the listener to digest what you're saying and to give you time to put together your thoughts.
5. Make eye contact with those you are presenting your ideas to. If that is too hard, try to look a little above their forward to make it seem that you are allowing your eyes to come into contact with theirs. No matter how penetrating they may seem at the time, do it. This just tells you they might actually be listening.
6. Stay on topic! Don't wander off. If you have nothing more to say then stop once you've finished what you did have.
7. Just like a formal English paper, use an introduction, supporting sentences for the topic at hand, and finish it all with a conclusion to sum up the main idea you are trying to relay to your listener.
8. Be yourself! That's the most important of all the tips!
9. Know what you want to say, how you want to say it, and when you will say it
10. Practice!... In the mirror, in front of your friends, in your mind as you try to fall asleep, or write it down over and over again. Whatever works best for you!
11. Remind yourself that you can do this! Conquer your fear!

I'm sure there are plenty more, but for now that is all I can remember from my own experiences and what I've heard others speak about. Good luck my fellow public speakers!

"May the odds be ever in your favor!" (The Hunger Games)

Update of My Very Much Overwhelming Life

Lately I have found myself being severely overwhelmed.

"Oh," you wonder?

How can such a girl like me be so overwhelmed that she just doesn't know what to do with herself? It's possible!

It is very much so!

I've made my share of mistakes over the eighteen years I've thrived on this planet.

If the word "thrived" actually fit my life.

It is more so that I lived, died, relived, broke apart, fell, crawled, scraped through, stumbled, touched, hurdled, feared, cried, smelled, saw, loved, wrote, heard, made, hate, sang, laughed, swam, limped, climbed, etc, etc.

Yet, I'm still here everyone!

Look at that!

I've been on this crazy planet for more than 18 whole years.

Now I may not be doing the best at living my life right now, but give me props for trying.

 

Here's an update on some, but not all, of what I am going through at this moment...

• I'm learning how to be an adult..if that is even possible since at age 18 no one really treats you as such, yet they expect you to do so.
• I'm in my first semester of community college which someone told me I should take six classes. Worst idea in the history of education. Thanks for helping me feel like a failure and make me feel the unbearable overwhelming dread. *FAIL*
• I am dating one of my good friend's friends...whose name just happens to be Sam (M.R.)
• That good friend from above happens to be a guy named Aaron who is currently living on the couch in my living room of my parent's house in which I still inhabit a room in
•  I am going to therapy every Thursday between classes
• My math teacher is one of the most confusing professors I'll ever meet. Including his bifocals, latex gloves, briefcase, and most likely deliberate no-calculator-hardest-way-to-learn-but-best-way-for-me-to-confuse-the-student-while-only-taking-points-for-quizzes-and-tests-so-that-people-who-can-not-learn-applied-calculus-will-fail-my-class-miserably way of teaching.
• The professor who is not an English professor who gave me a 70 out of 100 for a short essay on a court case about education that I answered everything she wanted but somehow decides that since I made a few grammatical mistakes that she should take off 30 points. Oh, and she even spelled grammar wrong on the paper outline!
• The amount of work I am behind and will never catch up on because my parents did not buy me the supplies I needed in the beginning of the semester
• My brother who just got out of the hospital after having been diagnosed with a parasite and the doctor not being sure if he'd make it out alive
• My parents leaving for a long periof of time to visit my brother in Hawaii as he sat in the hospital
• My other brother and his girlfriend coming to the house just to eat my food! Which if you remember...I don't eat that much of what he can
• Losing a group of people who were as close as family to me because of some decisions that were made..whether they were right or wrong for the time being does not matter
• Remembering why it was that I am overwhelmed and then being overwhelmed cause I see how overwhelmed I really am
• The pageant that I'll be participating in this upcoming Saturday that I hope won't be overtaken by any of the other stressors in my life
• The fact that I feel that I sort of wasted my parents money for the first semester of my college education they paid for
• How I want independence but am not sure exactly how I'll end up going about doing so
• How I want my parents to be proud of me, but feel like I'm more or less making a fool out of myself
• The drama of my friends and those around me
• Trying to keep those suffering from depression and other issues alive
• The lack of money due to the fact that I do not have a job and that some of my money has not ever been given to me and by the people who intentionally used me for free because I thought I would be nice
• How all of this makes me go insane and how I try my best to hold it together
• How I need to show you, my readers, that through all this I'm still alive and still working through it as best as I can manage for the time being. To make you see that you can do it too!
• and much more...

That, my friends, was my update and a half plus a little bit of a rant and an extent of trying to release some, if any, stress in my life at this time.

Down Syndrome: We Can All Be Friends

Down Syndrome: We Can All Be Friends

 

 

 

 

^^^ Above is a link of a 13 minute video about children with Down Syndrome ^^^

 

If you don't already know, I am aspiring to be a Special Education teacher for high school-aged students. I have always been looking to find some way to make a difference in this world and to be able to reach out to the people.

 

THIS IS MY CALLING!

 

In my senior year of high school (Go WHS!!) I dropped my AP Statistics class a couple weeks into school because my anxiety was making me sick to my stomach and I was having trouble learning through just reading the textbook. Without doing this, I am not sure who I would be or what I would be wanting to do in my life. So, for one, I thank my anxiety, which is not always so bad to have, for making me switch out of that dreadful class.

 

You may be wondering why it is that I am thanking a class I never took for making me want to be a Special Education teacher. The answer is that I turned my sixth block into a time to aid students with different disabilities (best word I could find at this time). I got to meet the wonderful students and the teachers. They all taught me so much, about myself and about helping others. It threw my life in a whole new direction.

I got to see that sometimes my situation isn't always as bad as I make it out to be. Yes, I have anxiety. Yes, life is not easy. Yes, I am failing at my first semester in college. Yes, a lot of my friends have changed and moved on. Yes, yes, yes.

These kids made my days when I was holding back tears. They put a smile on my face, as I did the same for them. I saw them struggle to speak their mind, overcome their differences, and work in class. Yet, they accomplished so much in the year that I was with them. One boy was overweight and we all tried very hard to teach him nutritional values and about how exercise is important. Later that year he finally had his first salad, and they started him on a regimen of walking around the school to get into a habit of exercising. That same boy in the beginning of the year ate more than I could eat in a day and none of it was ever healthy.

One time we were playing soccer in the wrestling room, where there PE class is held, and I kicked the ball to the same boy I was talking about above. Guess what he did? He made it into the net! I was so proud of him. I gave him a high-five, and that one accomplishment made his day. Now, to this day, I feel like I made a difference in that boys life.

Another boy I worked with on occasion was both blind and deaf. Imagine that! I never knew he even existed, or went to our school, until the day I joined that class. I learned that to teach such a student was a very difficult task. As it is with any student really. Gosh, I wondered. How in the world could he learn? What was the point of even being at the school? Then I figured it out. You taught him by cause-and-effect: tap his hand three times to release the ball (even if he didn't actually let go on his own), let it roll down the ramp, and if it hit the pin he got to feel it). This wasn't just learning but it was sensory learning. If you can't see and can't hear all you really have left is your taste, smell, and touch. So he had to learn through that.

I couldn't even imagine how it would feel to be both blind and deaf. Not knowing what the world was like. What would I even think about? That would just kill me. So to see him wheelchair bound was hard. The poor guy. So weak. So unknowing of life. Yet, there he was eight hours every week day in the same school I sat in and learned my English, history, math, science, foreign language, music, and more. I still wonder what his mind goes through. He doesn't say any words, just moans and you're stuck figuring out what is wrong.

I've become friends with these students. They look up to me, and when I see them around town I call them by name. We have conversations in the hallways of school and at football games. It may be hard to understand them but I try my very best to comprehend what they are trying to tell me.

I want others to recognize that these kids are full of amazement. That they are just like us. They need friends. They enjoy singing and dancing. Being silly is what they do. Having fun is just a way of life. They feel secluded. They yearn to be like every one else, yet we just walk on past them as they sit in the hallway eating there lunch like everyone else but no one spends time with them. There only interaction is with the teachers.

So next time you are walking the halls of your school, or really anywhere for that matter, stop for a second and say "HEY!!". The smile you'll bring to their face will make you understand how I feel. It's the same feeling of being a teacher, which is exactly why I want to work with these students.

Watch the video if you haven't already! You'll learn something new! Even I did!

Love,
<3 p="p">
Forever Lexi =D

 

Thought We Were Family

I could not finish writing one of my posts because of what I read on Facebook. My brother who just a week ago was in the hospital pretty much dying commented on my status. I was saying how I give up on college. Then just now a day or two later I read what people commented and it was what my own brother said. He used to be my hero and such an inspiration to me. Now he's bringing tears to my eyes. He told me that if I couldn't make it through one semester of college then I should just give up on life. He said I was a quitter. I can barely write right now. Earlier I accidently squirted soap in my eye and this hurts more. I'm watching Tosh.O.  Why would my own brother do that to me? Just why?

October 27th

It was a chilly night a couple of days before Halloween. Two of my friends were walking with me down the town's main street. They were both guys, of course. On my left was a new friend who blatantly showed me his feelings both physically and mentally, and to my right was an old friend I hadn't seen nor talked to in three long years. On a saturday night, a teen like me should be out with her friends. So, of course, it wasn't unlike me to be walking to meet up with a couple other people. Down the street we went, making noise at 11 o'clock; we laughed up a storm as my boots crunching the leaves on the sidewalk as we went.
Being with other people takes my mind off of what I try to forget. Life. Oh, my life. I had just started college about two whole months ago and I was just dying with stress. All I could focus on was how behind I was, and how I just wanted out of it all. I was already so invested, though. Money was spent, and the hundreds of dollars I would put to waste if I just quit. I would let down my family and the friends I still had.
We made it to McDonald's. There they were, sitting at a table. We walked in and sat down at a table across from them. I had no idea what they were talking about, or who the three others were that sat with my two friends. I was distracted from the two guys who had walked in with me. There was a cute guy I could see sitting with them. Gosh, that's all I could think. I had to get to know him. Who was he?
I texted my friend who was sitting across from him: "Who is that? He's cute!".
The reply, "Oh, you mean Sam?"
"Ya, I guess. You should totally hook me up!".
I tried not to blush when I heard him say that Sam should scoot over to let me sit next to him or that he should come over and sit by me.
Unbeknownced to me, tonight was going to last way longer than I originally had thought, and I was definitely going to have a good time while I forgot about the stresses I left behind at home. After McDonald's was back down the street from where I came and I throw out the random idea of walking in the woods to circle back to McDonald's again. Oh, my whimsical ideas. Where they get me in life.
My friendly advice is that you must never wear boots with heels in the woods. Not safe or fun!

<<>>

What hurts the most...

The thing that hits me the hardest, deep inside where it hurts the most, is knowing that he may never understand me. Yes, I'll admit that at times I feel as if I barely know myself, but it is hard to see if he is really trying. I search for reasons that show me he cares and I do find them, however there is something missing. It's his feelings and persona towards mine; the ones of anxiety, of fear, of hurt, of sadness, and overall the feeling of not being understood. The one thing I yearn for most of all is for him to see me as I am, and have that connection where my thoughts turn to words and those words pierce that thick skull he's toughened through his own conflicted, obstacle-filled life. To have someone recognize your struggling and reach out for your hand to guide you along is what a father should do. I've always looked up to him as my hero, but now I am starting to stray from that point of thought. Who is my hero now? The strongest person I know of is myself... I know what I have gone through each and every day to get to where I am at this very moment.

My heart is confused as the blood rushes through, my brain cannot make decisions fast enough. What do I do? What do I do? There's no way to turn back on what has already
been done. So what do I do? I ask. Please give me an answer it would surely help. For if I know what I once knew, the only one who can truly help me is me.

Is Everything on the Internet True?

Sam M.R.  is adorable as can be <3 p="p">
P.S. I'm talking about you, silly!

Missed Call Mistake

Her reflection stared back at her as she stood there on the chilly linoleum floor. Her heart dropped as she wondered if she could ever be the same again. The days had passed by slowly since that fateful day, and she could tell nothing in life was going to be the same. EVER. She started pacing the paste white bathroom glancing sideways at her face every time she passed in view of the mirror. She had never thought that she would ever be faced with such a fate, one that could never be undone.

He was gone; his absence spread out on her face. She could barely stand looking at herself. It could have been different, she kept telling herself. Before she knew what life had given her, it was removed from her grasp. Even her mind couldn't put together what happened that night.

Her boss had called her. The option was hers,  she had the choice of heading back to get the files or staying at home. He'd been everything to her for the past six months. He would take her out to dinner, help her run errands, pick her up something from the grocery store. He would do anything for her if she needed. She felt in debt to him, and it was time she repay him. These papers were crucial. The deadline was drawing close. This was all riding on her, and she could feel the pressure of making him happy.

She had just been running back to the office for her paper work, the slight breeze blowing her chestnut brown ringlets in all different directions. So much was on her mind: her dinner plans, e-mails she had to send out to clients, photos she had forgotten to upload from a cousin's birthday weeks before, the present she just reminded herself she needed to buy for her best friend's wedding, and those papers for her boss. Her phone rang, playing Iridescent by Linkin' Park, but she did not have time to answer it. It rang again as she walked past the local coffee shop, a hang out for all of the college students to work on their, what they say is an, outrageous-number-of-pages-for-an-essay essay. Then once more as she headed past the quaint park to her left, which at this time of night you could always count on seeing parents pulling their whining children off the ladders of the jungle-gym and the various sized swings. With all that was on her mind she really did not have the time to answer.

As she was about to step towards the crosswalk she pulled out her phone. She hadn't been expecting a call, especially from him, but there his name, Andrew, in the missed calls list lit up her screen. A smile was immediately brought to her face. Oh, how it had been weeks since they had last talked! She kept on walking, her mind now clouded with memories of being with him. With the phone pulled up to her ear listening to the phone calling his number back, she was too busy to notice the cars headlights casting a shadow of her figure on the pavement. The wheels screeched, the horn blared, a person from behind her yelled, and then there was darkness.

Apologies (A note from Daddy's Little Princess)

It was Saturday, August 27^th in the year 1994. I’m not sure of the weather or the exact time when you first saw me, but I do know that you were one of the first people to hold me in their arms. The first time I opened my eyes you were most likely the one I looked up to, and even now those times haven’t changed much. It could never be said that for one day I didn’t appreciate your role in my life. Yes, almost eighteen strenuous, but joy-filled, years later I may act like the teenager you see me as, but what you might not know that every so often I think of how lucky I am. It could always be worse -- my situation, that is. I’m not perfect, and I know you’re not expecting me to be, but believe me I try for the people who love me most.


        It may seem as if I'm blind to all of the love you have shared with me throughout the years; the sweet tea, the donuts, the ginger ale when I'm sick, the random leftover candy, and so much more. Do know that I do realize that you care. Just like you, I'm not much of a person to apologize by my voice, that's just not how I communicate. Maybe that is the reason I say what I do the way I do? Writing has always been my strong point: from grammar to my blog, that’s always been there for me to vent how I feel.

“Never be ashamed to admit you were wrong. It only shows you are smarter today than you were yesterday.” ― Marilyn Taylor Klam

        As for the quote above, I have to admit that I probably could have made a better choice that night. I was upset, for one, because David couldn't hang out and I felt like Jessica wasn't really happy spending time with me. She has been treating me differently lately, and not having your best friend hurts. (We all have those times, though, and I know you have been in situations similar to mine before.) To tell you the truth, Jessica never tried to stop me or tell me my judgment was off. Tyler even confirmed that I heard everything that she said, and I missed nothing. If Jessica had mentioned something to me, it might have all been different, but she's blaming me for this. Just the other night, Jessica made a mistake herself; she had plans with Cody and when he cancelled on her, she thought she'd stop by at the Kobler's and stay for only a bit. The few minutes turned into hours, and her mom called her worried sick. Jessica didn't think she was going to stay there long and time passed her by before she knew it. We're all humans, and we all make mistakes.

There are certain things in life where you know it's a mistake but you don't really know it's a mistake because the only way to know that it really is a mistake is to make that mistake and go, "Yup, that was a mistake". So really, the bigger mistake would be to not make the mistake because then you'll go about your whole life not knowing whether it was a mistake or not.

― How I Met Your Mother, Episode 21

        My mistake doesn't seem as much of a mistake as it does a wrong doing. Those may be of similarity, but not completely. The mistake I made was the incorrect judgment of the whole situation. My wrong doing, on the other hand, is the fact that I did what I did. Neither was intentional in any means. I didn't think I was putting myself in harm’s way by getting in the car with him, and in the end I really didn't. In my eyes, I don't technically see that night as a defiance of some sort or a way of imposing fear into others. I still look back and believe that what I did wasn't necessarily bad, but I do admit that it wasn't the best of ideas, either. I know we might never agree on this, that's just how life works. So, all I can ask is that you forgive me for what I did and see that I can/will make better decisions in the future.



        The way I live my life, I try my very best. As I said before, I can't be perfect but that won't stop me from trying my hardest to do so. My parents are the ones who taught me to be who I am; I make my decisions based on the lessons they've helped me learn and the knowledge they've instilled in me. Look how lucky you've got it! Your only daughter is a month from turning 18 and already graduated high school with an advanced diploma. She doesn't spend time with the kids who drink alcohol and do drugs. She's never smoked anything, not even meat. Nowadays, it is hard to find a teen like her. One who has a good group of friends, tries hard in school, hasn't given herself away, and has a good head on her shoulders. Not only do I have it good, but you do too.

I just want to be loved and cared for, and sometimes I get the feeling that no matter what I say you just don't listen. The day after the garage burnt down I remember standing next to you as you sat on the swing you built me. That was the first day I ever felt my heart drop as I looked at you; it killed me to see you so torn over the loss of your 'man cave'. You might have thought I just walked away from the swing because I was bored or tired of standing there, but I didn't want you to see my cry. I knew what you were feeling. That everything you worked up to was destroyed. I've been there.

Every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

        In my anxiety, I spent a long seven years trying to figure out why I felt sick to my stomach every day, and each day I stuck through it. You might never have seen me at school, but I barely ever left the classroom. No matter how sick I felt, I always reminded myself that I could do it and that the class would be over soon. I get my strength (and my stubbornness) from you. Just last year we found out I had anxiety and it helped me realize I'm not alone. That's what I needed. It's just that I worked so hard by myself to get to where I was, and when I feel like you don't comprehend how I feel it kills me inside. Every therapist, counselor, and psychiatrist has told me how proud they are of me for sticking it out this long and making it so far in recovery. The problem is I can only do so much on my own, and that is where you come in. I need the support of a father, and you're the only one who has the power to give me that love. 



        So here is the realization you were awaiting. The one I've always had. Here is the respect you deserve, that you think I haven't given. I want to apologize now because I realize that you might not come home one day, and I want you to know that I love you. I will only have one father, and that father is you. You've always been the hero to me, nothing less.

“Milk Duds are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.”

― Sheldon Cooper

Love,

Daddy's Little Princess

A Quote by Charlie Wilks

I have a quote from a video I was asked to watch for one of my college classes: "If you imagine a disability as a crutch, don’t use the disability as a crutch. You should use the disability as a leg and start running".

 This is from a teen, Charlie Wilks, born on June 5, 1995 that was born like just any normal human being, but when they found out he had a tumor that grew to the size of an orange he was going blind. Eventually his optical nerve was severed, and he went completely blind. In 7th grade he was allowed by both his parents and the coaches of the football team to try out for a position. Though he may have been blind, he made the spot just as any other kid would have, and now he aspires to be a professional football player just like his grandfather once was. His quote really caught my attention: it reaches out to me, touching my heart. I can understand what he means by looking at a disability, or even an obstacle, and not looking at it with disdain, but rather with the knowledge that you can use it for the better. Just because something may be holding you back or stopping you from being "normal" does not mean you should just let it set you aside from the rest. In many of my other posts, I have talked about how my anxiety has caused me to struggle throughout my life, yet I never let that stop me from trying to be myself: I became a cheerleader, a Vice-President for a club, a part of the SCA, a friend/mentor to many, and so much more. I wish to reach out to the world and show everyone just because you may have a disability doesn't mean you are "disabled". Throughout my only few studies in becoming a Special Education teacher, I have watched and heard many stories of people that have gone and overcome their own challenges. People looked down apon them because they were "different", "disabled", "useless", "broken", "stupid", "unimportant", "retarded", "helpless", and a multitude of many other hurtful and heartbreaking/heartwrenching words. I feel for them. I feel for them because I can relate.

 

Follow link to watch the video:

http://www.youtube.com/embed/zTrEkNlx16E

The High School Graduate's Guide to Life

Tomorrow is the day I have a chance to start anew.

While I look forward to my future knowing everyday will be filled with adventure unknown to man, criticism to the extreme, excessive happiness, childish behaviors looking to be matured, loves to be gained/lost, a world of the unfamiliar, lessons still gone unlearned, mental/emotional hurdles to jump, new characters to meet, and a life to be lived to its fullest, I know that to look at my past as I step forward into the mystery of my life ahead is my only map. 

A map I designed myself, and one only I can follow.

I'd like to say that I made that map with my own two hands, but that would be like saying I gave birth to myself. To leave out those who have aided in the design, the hard work, the patience, the frustrations, the critical thinking, the brutal tasks, the laughs, the cries, the long talks, the lessons that had to be learned, the injuries, the fights, the hugs, and all that comes with those listed above would be disheartening. Every family member, every friend, every love, every acquaintance, every teacher, every counselor, every doctor, every face I've known and seen through the years should be listed above, but unfortunately I can't name every face I've seen or every person I've known through the 17 years I've crawled/walked/ran/laughed/skipped/jumped/cried/smiled/hopped/hugged/cartwheeled on this most imperfect of worlds. 

Every smile I've received was a gift, a present given to me whether it be unknown to the one who bestowed it upon me or whether it be intentional.

 This map I speak of lead me to the path I now take and even though I may be struggling along at times, dragging my feet, and falling behind I've still got a future ahead of me and my map of life will continue to be filled with each and every minor detail I collect/learn.

All of the above has brought me here today.

Be Thankful (even if it is April Fool's Day!)

Last night as I was laying in my bed I thought to myself. Most people do that, or they fall straight asleep which I will never fully understand how they do (but lucky for them they don't have to lay there waiting). Now, I was in a time of need where I just wanted to fall straight asleep, which never works for me, so all I could really do was lay, tossing and turning, thinking about life. Right now, I am at a point of confusion in my life. I question myself as well as the others around. I am looking for answers, but trying not to (how do you say....) rush to conclusions. I am leaving an open mind, but my anxiety is the part that pushes me to the depressing, more upsetting part of an answer, even if it may or may not be the right answer in the end. Every so often, though, I will remind myself that I might just be overreacting, and everything really is okay in fact. That is when my anxiety levels go down, and I can focus on being happy. Otherwise, I am just screwed.

So back to the part where I was trying to fall asleep for hours on end...

As I was thinking, and my stomach rumbled with worry...I thought. And guess what? I thought some more!

I thought about life. About what it is he (Adam) might be thinking, or doing, or saying. I thought about how I missed him. About how I would be upset if he were no longer in my life. About how he is worth it. About how I'm worrying about something I might just be overreacting about. About how I just wish he would text me that he loved me so I could just fall asleep. About how I miss him and his curly hair. About how if he left me the things I would miss..like our inside jokes, our crazy days together, his eyes that I swear are like (seriously!) my favorite color, our stuffed turtle family (don't diss on the turtles!), his smile (especially the part where he tries not to but I somehow make him smile, which makes me smile), and all this stuff about him that really can't be described.

And then I thought...

Even if he left me, I would still have a life worth living. 

And so I went on thinking about what makes me thankful for what I have in life and how I am grateful to be alive.

My two parents that are alive and healthy. My brothers, no matter how annoying and mean they are to me. A decent house with four walls, a floor underneath my feet, and a ceiling. Food to eat everyday, even if I swear to myself there is nothing in those cabinets, when they are obviously filled. That I am skinny. How I am beautiful and I wouldn't want to be anyone but me, with flaws and all. That I have friends who care, and are smart in what they do. To have clothes to wear to keep me warm. To have a job, for all those who are unemployed I am not, even if I do only work every other Saturday. To be a part of my school. To be alive. To have two legs on which I can walk. To have to arms and two hands to hold those I love with. To have to ears that I can hear from. Eyes that I can speak and see with. A nose that helps me smell, the bad and the good. Teeth that are healthy and help me chew my food, so I don't have to have dentures or drink food instead of eating it. Clean water that I can drink, and is at my disposal whenever I need it. My cell phone that lets me talk to people and hear their voices even if they are miles and miles away. A door to a room that I used to have privacy to (until I had to share that room with someone else ): ....). A brain that I can use to my advantage. This laptop that I can write this blog on. All of you who read this. All of the people who ever cared. And all of those who don't. The snow. The falling colorful leaves. The pool that cools me off on those hot summery days. The smell of spring. A smile that I can share. A working body...not completely healthy, but manageable non the least. And so much more that I will never have time to write about.

Now I am not saying that I would be happy if Adam left me, because believe me that is one of the last things I want to happen. I love him, so him leaving would change a lot in my life. If he left, I would be left with little to think about because pretty much all of my thoughts are directed towards him in one way or another. So, Adam if you read this...I am in love with you!

Tell me what you are thankful/grateful for! I would love to hear it!

Just remember all of those things that make life worth living when you start to shy away from the 'happy' you!

You Matter

It has been a while since I last wrote but I thought since I was staying home sick today from school (yep, the day before spring break) that I would write. The last day of the third quarter is today, and I am missing it. My adorable boyfriend, Adam, is in Florida on his spring trip for guitar and I miss him like crazy.

I want to be truthful right now and say that I was scared and still am of his going to Florida. One reason was because of this girl who is after him, and won't stop at nothing to get him even though she knows that he and I are dating. It is not that I don't trust Adam, because I do, it is just that girls like that will put up a fight and will find ways around obstacles (like me). I hated to see him go on Wednesday, knowing he'd be gone for 4 days, but I knew I could make it through those days. I have been away from him for way longer, but it was the fact that I don't trust that girl one bit. 

I know he loves me, and I love him.

Now the reason I'm worried is not because of this girl, it is because he seems mad at me. We did promise to text each other while he was on the trip, and unfortunately he hasn't been doing that. Now, I actually can live with him not texting me. That doesn't bother me, truthfully. The thing that does bother me, though, is the fact that he seems quite upset with me, or mad, and I am not sure why. I have done nothing wrong, so it really confuses me. So when he did send me a text that said, "ha." and "have a good spring break", it really worried me because it seemed to me that he was being sarcastic.

 Who knows? I might be over reacting. I do that sometimes.

The thing is my anxiety levels go up when something like this happens because I love this guy way more than he knows, and there are so many things he has changed in me that he doesn't see. When my anxiety goes up, my stomach hurts. When my stomach hurts, I can't eat. When I don't eat, I feel more sick. That is the circle of my life. So, I really put myself into a bad situation every time we have a fight or we're upset at each other.

 I couldn't feel more comfortable around anyone than I do with him. 

Every time I see his face there is an automatic smile on mine. I would try anything to show him how it is that I love him. I love bringing him little surprises, especially when he least expects them. When he gets back from his trip, he is going to be blown out of his mind. I don't believe he will be able to handle everything that is going on. At least, I sort of hope that is the case.

So, as I sit here writing this I am wondering what it is he is thinking.

 Is he upset at me? Why would that be? What could I have done? Am I overreacting? Is he? Is he just enjoying himself, and being distracted? I love him. Wonder what he is doing? How is he? I hope he is having a ton of fun! I can't wait till he gets back, though! Will he like my surprises? Will he read this? If he is mad, is it something that can be fixed? 

Who knows the answer to those questions? He does.

I can live with him not texting me, but I cannot live without him in my life. I am not sure if he sees how important he is to me and how he affects my life, because that really is a huge deal. You know, I am proud of myself. Why, you ask? Well because I have changed. I know what I did at the end of January was wrong,  liking someone else, and ever since Adam had broken up with me it flipped my world upside down. I really did deserve that, and I definitely needed it. I no longer like anyone but him. I have no feelings towards any other guy, other than friendship, and I couldn't be happier. I never thought I could do that, but he proved to me that it can be done...along with some pain, suffering, time, and work. It's possible, and he helped me prove it to myself.

***

Side note:
Adam Hoff if you ever ask yourself why you are meant to be here in this world, look around. You change the lives of everyone around you, even if you don't initially see it. I know that it is hard being a teenager and growing up isn't always a ton of fun. I know we want to grow up, be adults, and have the right to do what we want without anyone holding us back. While we want that, what we don't know is that we don't want to rush life. We are happy where we are, truthfully. You like being you. You are adorable, thoughtful, sweet, caring, sincere, crazy (in a very hilarious, good way), loving, friendly, you could kill anyone with your smile, you are really smart (seriously, I am not making that up! Don't let anyone tell you different, or put you down!), you are a(n)  _______ (fill in the blank with all of the words that could describe how you are such a great swimmer) swimmer, you have a great life ahead of you, and you will change the world. I love you for you, and nothing and no one else!

***

I know it is hard to trust anyone but yourself, especially if many people have betrayed the trust you set for them. Working that trust up again is a lot of work, and you will ask yourself why it is they deserve your effort. Now, I can't say for a fact that it is always worth it, but sometimes it may be. Search for those answers to your questions, I am sure they are there somewhere close by, even if they do involve a bunch of digging around. Don't let anyone but yourself influence your decisions, because only you know what is right for you. 

Take your time, but don't take forever, because the world can't dish out that much for anyone, even if you are super special and important!

Spring Blossoms New Stress

I want to hear your thoughts about what you'd like to read about, and I'd love to share my views of the world with you. From school to home. From best days to the worst of the worst. From relationships to personal problems. From a comment to a slur. Bring it on! I'm ready for everything you have to offer. Give me a topic. 

I'd rather write than do my homework...right?

Now that it is spring...or well as warm as spring is...I may actually get some fresh air while writing. I love the smell of the fresh dew in the morning, to hear the birds chirping as the sun rises, to walk around barefoot and not have to worry about freezing my toes off. It's beautiful this time of year, and it reminds me how much I love life. I would love to spend time with my love outside enjoying this nice weather while it lasts (cause who really knows what mother nature intends), but he's been on restriction and has swim and has been super busy. That is what keeps me inside, the fact that I have no one I want to spend this delightful blessing of a spring, or end of winter, with. My best friend has been super busy with work, her boyfriend, and school, so we haven't really had time to hang out. Leaving me with Caroline, a family friend who lives in my house now and is a freshmen, which is a different story completely.

Stress has hit me. Hasn't it gotten to you, yet? 

School, Family, Boyfriend, Projects, Work, Friends, Money, Life...(just to name a few)! My anxiety levels are up, school has been frustrating. I work every other Saturday, making 6.50/hr and only work 2-3 hours. I have a huge project, diorama, for my Early Childhood class that is super intense in detail and I feel like no matter how much I try it will never come out to the teacher's liking. Friends, well they are friends, they come and go as they wish and have their own agendas, you just have to work around them. Family, oh my family; my home life has been crazy with Caroline and her father moving in, me sharing a bedroom/bathroom with her, and just all the other usual stuff that goes on behind closed doors. My Boyfriend. Well.........Haha! Just Kidding! I love the kid! He's always there for me (most the time that is) when I need him, and even when I don't (which by the way is NEVER). Even though we have our disagreements and problems, from time to time, we are working on ways to make our relationship stronger and healthier. He's worth it, believe me!

Life is life, what can I say! 

Try to Understand

Here is a poem I just wrote..read it and tell me what you think. It was a spur of the moment inspirational composition. Nothing fancy.

Hear Me Out

By: Forever Lexi

You never try to listen, when all I want is to be heard.

You never even give me the chance to say a single word.

When my days go wrong and all I want is to be left alone.

Then you'll knock at my door to say "get off the phone".

He is the only one who truly listens to how I feel.

The one person who can point out the perfect teal.

His mind stays open as does his heart. 

Every word, every thought, every minuscule part.

I know our days are different, and life is hard,

But there are feelings I don't let pass through my guard.

You may sleep all day and work all night,

But you don't see it through the same light.

When you are gone at work I worry,

But when you are home it's always fury.

If I try to explain to you a thought,

My words automatically get fought.

Just stop for a minute and see,

That I am only me.

Not everyone is the same as you,

Anxiety or depression or a medical issue.

Dream Come True

It is like it was out of a fairy-tale...

For nights after he broke up with me I would have dreams, dreams that he would forgive me. He would hold me close to him and everything would be better again. Just like that one song, the only place I could see his adorable, precious face and see him smile was in my dreams.

Those dreams...they came true!

He is the one person in my life that I have felt so comfortable with...one thing that my anxiety makes it difficult for me to do. He is my best friend in life. He is that someone I can tell everything to, without hesitation. His eyes make me calm. His face reminds me of why I live each day the way I do. My hand in his tells me I'm not alone. I don't have to act, I can just be myself with him. His craziness shows me that I can be silly and weird and stupid...and no matter what he'll still see me the same way as he always has.

"Love is hard work; and hard work sometimes hurts."

-Unknown Author

Every school day morning, no matter how bad I feel or how much I don't want to go to school, I get up and go because of him. He is my inspiration. He sees past all of  my flaws. He believes I look beautiful at my worst. He thinks I am perfect even when I broke his heart. He is there for me when I need someone to just listen. He is more than I could ever ask for. 

He deserves better than me, but I'll accept that he has settled for less. <3

Every night before I go to sleep I hope to hear his voice. He puts this sense of peace and serenity into my life that I've never felt before. He makes me smile like I've never smiled before. We are alike in ways we cannot explain. We have our inside jokes and our own vocabulary.

"Our love is here to stay."
-Ira Gershwin

It feels like we never broke up, even though I know we did, and believe me I am glad you took the initiative to. I am happier than I was before, thanks to you. We are better than we are before, stronger and healthier, happier and smarter. 

You are mine and I am yours.

"It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone, when your heart still does."

-Mallory Jones

To Flirt or NOT to Flirt

Hey My Followers!

I apologize for being M.I.A. but now I am back! Lots of work going on my senior year of high school!

Let me catch you up on some stuff in my life...

Well I am back from a three day weekend turned horrible with food poisoning from a burrito at El Sloppy Taco (not their fault, it was mine for not refrigerating it afterwards). Working on a file folder, coloring and then some more of that stuff we did in kindergarten and first grade and second...something we weren't meant to be doing in high school. Oh, and then I cut, and cut some more until there were marks on my fingers and my hands ached from cutting. Then I glued which made my hands sticky and gross. Forgot to study for a history test that I could swear for some reason I thought we had taken already. Worked at my aunt's store, Pixie Kidz, and then babysat; children love me for some odd reason, and cannot stop fighting over where I will sleep. Ate a delicious heart shaped pancake. Yummm! Tried out my lesson plan that went disastrous; they were too interested in opening the Easter eggs rather than shaking them to hear what sound they made.  Went around school taping Dr. Seuss birthday cards to a large amount of the school's lockers after I had hot glued at least a couple hundred Dr. Seuss hat stickers to each paper. Got some information on graduation. Am having chest pains for some weird reason and a bunch of other random things that I cannot seem to remember about my long time away from my blog.

Last but not least, I have a boyfriend!..but he requires his own paragraph (or, maybe, more).

So as you might have known from my first post, my boyfriend had broken up with me at the end of January. Why, you might ask? Reason is I was stupid. Easy to say, right? I loved him. He meant the world to me. But what I did might seem like those things were lies. I'm a flirt, simply saying. I am in love with the fact that others like me. I will say that at times I went a little too far with it, the flirting. I knew what I did was wrong and I have been trying to overtake my bad habits with good ones. I was doing great. I had decreased my flirting, but I had made a few mistakes on taking it too far and in January I hit the last straw. I met a guy who was deaf and automatically started liking him, thanks to the ABC Family hit show Switched at Birth. Texting turned to flirting which turned to a video chat. Wow, did I make a mistake, and not only hurt one person but probably two. 

Side note: I apologize for leading you on Troy! and for my love...I'll keep my apologies person-to-person.

Now, I went through about a week and a half of hell. Yep, it sucked. Can't phrase it any other way. Ironically, I got a note on my locker just the other day saying something like the pain was worth suffering through. It was right. It was worth suffering. I spent days eating little to nothing, slept for hours on end, cried myself to sleep, tried to smile and pretend I was happy, took alternate paths just hoping to see him in the halls (cause I knew he was avoiding the normal routine), spent classes searching for songs to show him just how I felt, felt sicker than normal, planned an amazing Valentine's day for him, wrote a four page essay explaining everything and nothing, and tried every little thing to say just how much he meant to me. My best friend told me..."it'll be alright, don't worry" and of course I said "no it won't!" as I sobbed and moaned. Of course the one time she is right...(LOL, I love you JESSICA)! I am so glad she was right, and also glad that she was right there next to me when I needed her most. Thanks my hopping bunny side kick!

 "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be."

In the end, I got the love of my life back. Pretty much sounds like a romantic movie almost. Yay for happy endings! I made him a heart-shaped pizza with pepperoni cut up into pieces to spell "I love u", brought him a mountain dew (his favorite soda), made him some Hershey kiss shaped Rice Krispie treats (which used to be my favorite cereal, by the way, and I would hold the box next to me so no one could eat them), got him a cupcake, and some other stuff, too. I wouldn't just do that for anyone!

"What we can do for another is the test of powers; what we can suffer is the test of love."
-Brooke Foss Westcott

I am not saying don't make mistakes...just don't make the same mistake twice!

Controversy

So today was very upsetting for me. I've really never been known to be a 'bad' kid or someone who gets into trouble at school, but today I feel like I was called out for something so ridiculous. Maybe that is why I took offense to such a small thing, but...

...on-the-other-hand I have every right to be upset.

I was walking back to class after I had delivered the extension cord back to the janitors and this guidance secretary, I guess that is what she is, stops me in the hall. She asks me to take off my "hat". Of course, I'm not one to talk back to an adult unless it is in a joking manner, (or they might just happen to be my parents), but today I did talk back (to an extent). I looked at her like she was crazy. I've never wanted to complain so much about what I was wearing! It's not like I was wearing something inapropro! It was not a gang sign! It was a simple beret. My brother was in the army and he wore a beret. Why can I not wear one? I just for once wanted to seem like I fit in with all of my peers, but due to the incident today I will now be fitting in with my peers in an unfashionable, non-beret wearing way. I mean I barely ever do anything with my hair, but today I did and I pretty much got criticized for it. That makes me feel bad about myself. Thanks for throwing my self esteem out the window!

Have you ever read your school's rules and regulations? 

I have plenty of times. Today I reread the dress code section and noticed that you are not allowed to wear "hats" or something that hangs around your neck (so does that mean I can't wear a scarf, either?). The dress code policy stated things that were not to be worn in school, or were inappropriate for public. Funny thing is it never said anything about wearing nothing. Hmmm? So does that mean we can just show up naked? Well, other than the fact that you'd be picked up in a cop car for public indecency, yeah, you could. It is the things that are left open to interpretation that cause conflict such as my incident with the beret. This is part of the reason that the government sometimes has problems with the constitution.

I know life isn't always going to be how we want it to be, like my mom said.

 I will get defensive about this subject because now I feel like I was put into a situation where I could not have the right of self-expression and the freedom and liberty that is granted to me as a citizen of the United States of America. Now, I'm not going to take this to court, but it is wrong for me to have gone out and spent money on something that I can no longer wear. I would understand if this was just a one day deal, but I spend 5 of my 7 days in a week going to school. This means only 2 days of my 7 am I allowed to wear this beret that I bought. Of those two days, I never usually go anywhere or dress up nice to wear a beret. So now I have a wasted piece of a hair accessory (notice that I did not say "hat")! Way to waste money! (something my mom complains about is me not wearing clothes I have or wasting money on things I don't use)

Please do not tell me that my beret is a "hat" because it is not.

 It is an fashion accessory for my hair, not my head. If I did not have hair, they would have to let me wear a hat to keep my head warm, but since I have hair it is to accessorize. Yes, it may sit/rest/lay on my head but it does not cover my face, eyes, or my entire head. It is a see through accessory for my hair. Technically it cannot be called a head covering due to the fact that really my head isn't covered. OH, and by the way, lunch ladies wear "hats" in school too!!!!

Waiting for Change

With every good thing comes a bad thing. 

You have to admit that life surely isn't what we asked for, but really the choice is yours to spend it wisely. Go ahead and waste your days away, or, instead, you can make life what you want it to be. If you sit around waiting for change, will it ever happen? It's possible, but the statistics are not very high for that.

Life will continue to surprise you!

I know from experience that waiting won't get you anywhere fast. You could spend years waiting, and nothing would ever come to you. Wait for love? Sure it might come, eventually, but really that is a choice you have to make yourself. I have anxiety, as you know. It all started in 5th grade, and now I'm a senior in high school. You could say I waited six to seven years to go on medication if you did not really know me. Truthfully, I spent those six to seven years throwing myself blindly into situations I knew would cause me pain that I did not want to experience. I stuck it out through the thick and the thin, and without that I probably would not be where I currently am. Yes, I am on medication, but for a good reason. Without medication and therapy my process of getting better can only go so far. I did a lot of the work of getting over my anxiety by myself in that time period, which really surprised my therapist, but I still needed a little push and guiding to help me the rest of the way.

So, waiting you say? I think not.

 If I had waited, I would be stuck in my house each and every day without a best friend or a guy that I love. I'd be home-schooled, not  having experienced what it is like to be a leader or have the means of being around a huge variety of people that could guide me to be who I am. I am grateful for me being the person I am, and I wouldn't take away the pain I experienced for anything. I'm not saying that the pain of feeling like you were about to vomit up every ounce of your stomach is easy to handle, because believe me that was hell, and still is when my anxiety comes around. 

I deal.

I know everyone has the strength to be someone they don't think they can be and to show the world they can make a difference. Don't let anyone tell you different. Life is hard at times, but it is also rewarding. I just went through one of the worst weeks in my life, and no matter how much I cried and whined and hated myself, I kept telling myself "it will be okay" and to just "hold out". Now, today, looking back, it was all worth it. 

Don't wait for change...be the change!

Those Feelings

I know your thoughts are conflicted, and your mind is spinning. Your heart tells you one thing and your promises tell you another. Lessons have been learned and bridges were burned with the past but here is your present showing you it is all right. You want to move on, but there is something pulling you back. Those memories you made that you tell yourself you need to forget but really you are truly lying to yourself about all of that.  The dreams that you dream were real but you wake up to the nightmare of your life you've made. Your helpless feeling you can do little about. The fact that you spent so long on something you can't go back to with the same feeling you had had before. When the tears spill from your eyes and you can't explain why. The words that race in your head that paper little helps and saying would ruin. Your eyes stay closed but your mind is wide open. To turn back time, what would happen? The chill that never dies. To wish you had done differently. The stinging of your eyes like you cry razor blades. The time when you could have made the choice to have done differently but you did not see it as what it could have been. To writing words that will never be read by those eyes you wish could see them. To remembering the last time.... To the last word that was said. The confusion of it all, not knowing what happens next. Those unexplained moments, thoughts, feelings, and such.

I've been there,.. you've been there,.. we all have.

What will suicide do? You can't see the future, but you can wait. You are not alone in life, don't forget that. People may say, or you might think, that you are nothing to the world, that you don't matter. You matter. Everyday you change lives. By reading this you will have changed mine. I will know that you care. Don't feel afraid of the unknown. Who knows what good in your life you would have missed? You could be someone who changes the way we live! Think about all of the people you've looked up to and admired. Who made those people who they are/were? Their parents, their friends, their teachers, their mentors, their peers,...the list goes on and on. You might not seem important but you really and truly are. You might be that parent, friend, teacher, mentor, peer, or so on. It might not seem so out there in reality but it is there you just have to look for it. Would we have lights or computers or phones if someone had given up on life because they thought that life was not worth it and no one really cared about them. No, we might not of had those things. 

You might not be able to change the past but you can always change the future!

Starting at the Beginning

Hey!


Life is good right? Haha, don't worry! It's like mother nature, one day it is all yippidy-do-dah and the next  you think all hell possibly broke loose. Gosh, if life had a manual wouldn't we all be amazing at being who we are? Personally, I wonder who actually would read that goddamn infinite paged book! Well, enough of my blabbering about my opinions for right now, and let us get straight down to the facts.

Can't start a blog without telling you a little (lies!!!) about myself...

Call me Lexi (if you didn't get the idea from my blog already). I am a senior in high school, and I have two brothers, neither which graduated from the same high school, and I also will follow in their path with that. My eldest brother, he was in the army for a while but now resides in that exotic place every American wants to live...Hawaii. The other brother, also older if you haven't figured that out, well he's living at home. Truthfully, I feel like I've achieved more than the both of them sometimes. My parents, you ask? Well, my mother, she's sweet, caring, an amazing cook (all my friends love her chicken enchiladas <3), and she is my mom. My father, on-the-other-hand,well he is the dreaded "Po-Po" that everyone fears, and sometimes I feel he is insensitive towards my ways. I live in a nice house, I was in winter cheer my Junior year, I have a really awesome best friend, and from the outside what seems like a normal life.

 It's all an illusion I tell you!

 If anyone could fake being normal, it might be me. Since I was a young child I have had separation issues, in fifth grade I somehow managed to come down with this thing they call anxiety, I have a personal issue that few people know about, and all of this stuff 99% of the people I know have no idea any of this goes on in my life.

 If there was a normal, I would not be one!

I've done a lot of bad things in my life...from meeting people on online games at the age of who knows when, to dating a person from one of those games, to talking to that person on my cell phone unbeknownst to my parents, to meeting that same person in real life, to cheating on him by kissing another guy I met at a wedding reception, to putting contact solution in a friend's drink, to getting in-school for that incident, and last but not least, to the one mistake that cost me the one person I love the most (more about that later in another blog).

Now that I've named pretty much all the bad things I've done, here are the good...

I get good grades: the whole of my sophomore year I got straight A's, I've managed to keep A's and B's pretty much my whole high school career except for the C or two caused by an AP class or  my anxiety, I do not do drugs, I do not drink, I do not smoke, I do not drive recklessly, I have good friends, am better than both of my brothers with their own problems, I volunteer, I have been in 3 pageants (never won one though, but that's not the point to be in one for me), I am involved in my high school, I am the VP of my school's FCCLA, and so much more.

Some stuff to know abut me that I didn't mention before...

I love writing and reading. I want to be an environmentalist when I get older. I miss my brother's dog, LC, she is sooooo adorable, cuddly, smart, and playful. I work with the special needs teens at school, and you have no idea the experiences you'll see or how you feel at the end of the day unless you've worked with them. I love turtles. I love this guy named Adam, who by the way is the one that I wish could see that I am dearly sorry for the mistake I made (again, talk about it later).  OH, by the way, he is my inspiration for this and I would do anything for him (well, maybe I'd have to reconsider the suicidal part unless he was in danger or those kinds of things). I try to be a good friend, but sometimes I screw up just like everyone else does. My problems make me not really know who I am, but I am trying to overcome them especially to show Adam that I will do everything for him. 

 I truly wish he'll read this. 

Gosh...I see how addicting blogs are now. I would have titled this "It's All About Me" but there are limitations that make me know that I am changing my ways to be a better person. I need advice, but I would also like to give some for the people who read my blog if need be. If you would like me to write anything, I am willing to, just let me know. Also, if you have questions about my anxiety, or you might think you have something similar, let me know.

ASK AWAY MY FOLLOWERS!